Australian Federal Police have raided the parliament house gift shop. The raid followed a call to 2UE’s whisper line by an anonymous tipster citing inside knowledge and details of a plan by a group of “face-covered Moslems” to disrupt parliament. The call was heard by Channel 9, whose film crew promptly notified the AFP, then made a beeline for Capital Hill. Sound familiar? Deja vu?
Shop manager Flossie Fairweather politely informed the heavily armed anti-terrorist squad that she had sold out of the offending face coverings. “I sold the last 60 to that charming group of young people barely 30 minutes ago. They said they were Moslem but they did not look like terrorists to me. I think they were heading for the public gallery in that big green room.”
The squad then stormed the House of Representatives gallery with the order, “Remove all face coverings immediately.”
Childish laughter erupted as the group of primary school children removed their Julie Bishop clown face masks. A spokeschild piped up, “We just wanted to have a bit of fun at your expense. We didn’t think you would have learnt any lessons from the Burqa ban debacle last October. You idiots. And by the way, we are not Moslem, not that it should matter one iota. And yes, it was me who phoned 2UE. It has been a pleasure to make a laughing stock of the AFP, the media and parliament. Kids rule! We are the future and don’t you forget it.”
Tony Abbott reacted angrily to the incident, “There will be no more benefit of the doubt for children seeking to harm Australia. We are a free and fair nation, but that doesn’t mean we should let bad children play us for mugs. Let me be quite clear about this. All children, I repeat, all children will now be treated as terror suspects.”
According to Flossie Fairweather, “Sales of the Julie Bishop clown face masks have soared. For fun-loving visitors to parliament house, to notwear a mask in the public galleries is as un-Australian as banning the burqa.”
Rumour has it that an outraged Julie Bishop approached Ms Fairweather, demanding that she withdraw all masks from sale. “Why don’t you wear one of these love. It will be a much better look for you.” came Flossie’s response. A gun-shy, red-faced and highly nervous AFP has kowtowed to Bishop’s demand that the incriminating CCTV footage be seized, archived and marked “Never to be released.”
Credible sources in a Rome pizza joint had tweeted that Australia’s Prime Minister Tony Abbott was heard to say to Cardinal George Pell, “This bloke has lost the plot. He is dangerous. All that sickening humility. Thanks for organising the meeting mate.”
Vatican sources had tweeted that Tony Abbott was due to have an audience with Pope Francis.
Mr Abbott refuted the claim, stating that his visit to the Holy See was purely personal: “I just wanted to catch up with my old mate George. Now that he’s head of Vatican finances, I thought I should give him a few tips on how to run church raffles. I have no intention of catching up with Frank.”
Mr Abbott, a devout Catholic who was once a trainee priest, appeared intent on distancing himself from the Pontiff.
He succeeded ~
Gidday Frankie. I am sure you are thrilled at the opportunity of having an audience with my good self. This comes at great personal inconvenience. I had to miss the AGM of my local RFS – that stands for Rural Fire Service – it’s a voluntary organisation that fights fires in New South Wales – a bit like you really – fighting the fires of hell, although you get all the perks of the job – I do it for zilch.
Don’t mind if I put my feet up on your desk do you? I’m a pretty laid back sort of guy – just ask any of my old mates from uni or rugby or even the blokes at my local surf patrol. They all reckon I’m a down-to-earth knock-about sort of guy. And I am too, except when it comes to religion and politics.
By the way, I happen to be great mates with George Pell – you know – that bloke you just appointed to look after all your money. Good luck with that one! After the way he stuffed up the Catholic child sex abuse scandal back home, I don’t reckon he could organise a church raffle. I was going to say piss up in a brewery, but that would be too crude for you, even though you are a man of the people, in touch with everyday realities like the price of beer.
I’m sure you know that I’m a Mick just like you. I even trained for the priesthood but chucked it in because I realised that my hero and mentor, B.A. Santamaria was right. He reckoned politics was the best way of giving glory to God, so I decided to become Prime Minister of Australia. Besides, I didn’t like the celibacy bit.
Why are you shaking your head? You must have heard of Bob Santamaria. He was almost as great an Australian Catholic legend as I am today. He was a Catholic political evangelistic propagandist ultra-conservative. God’s gift to Australia!
In the 1950’s, he started a slick, mean, nasty Catholic machine called the Democratic Labor Party, which was the greatest misnomer in Australian political history. He was a genius. He kept the Australian Labor Party out of office for 17 years. Don’t tell me you don’t know what the Australian Labor Party is? Jesus! It’s a leftie-ideological rabble that God hates. Well actually Santa hated Labor more than God did. Bob actually told me that – on good authority too.
You see, Labor and the trade unions were full of commos and Bob hated commos because they typified the left, and anything left was a threat to Catholicism – things like gay liberation and women’s liberation – in fact anything to do with liberation. Manipulating power was Santa’s forte.
He understood Catholicism much better than you do. He would have made a better Pope too. He was a hard core Catholic, not a left-leaning sponge cake like you.
And that’s why I’m here.
You are a traitor to the Catholic Church that I symbolise in Australia. You are a political embarrassment to me. Yes me, who they so eloquently dub “Captain Catholic”. I can’t afford to be aligned with you.
I’ve got zero tolerance of your antics, so you will have to change your ways.
Under no circumstances are you to again kiss the feet of Muslims in detention centres. That’s heresy. For God’s sake, I’ve got detention centres full of them, and I’m rightfully making their lives as unbearable as possible.
You cannot allow women to infiltrate the Vatican hierarchy. I’ve got only one in my cabinet and that’s one too many.
And if you soften your stance on homosexuality any more than you have, I’ll start spreading rumours about why you wear a frock. You wouldn’t like to be defrocked, would you?
And don’t dare even think about women becoming priests. Before you know it, we could have a lesbian Pope – non-practising of course.
And if you say one more thing against capitalism and consumerism – or as you call it, the ‘idolatry of money” – I’ll do a Santamaria and label you a commo. I mean, I’m trying to get our budget back in the black – I need economic growth to save my arse.
And if you even hint at scrapping laws on celibacy in the priesthood, I’ll label you a hypocrite. I mean if it’s good enough for you, why wasn’t it good enough for your father? And that brings abortion to mind – but I won’t go there.
So here is my ultimatum. If you don’t agree to my demands, I will see to it that the Australian Catholic Church secedes. You will just be the titular head. That doesn’t mean you have tits – even though you wear a frock – it means you will be head honcho in name only.
I would become the Catholic President of Australia – as well as the Catholic Prime Minister of Australia. Mind you, I am a royalist, so Betty would still be our constitutional head. Titular – and yes, she does. Yeah, I know she’s Church of England, but nobody’s perfect.
The good old days of Catholic political evangelistic propagandist ultra-conservative Santamariaism would be back to stay. Yep, glorifying God in the name of politics – Abbott style!
As a goodwill gesture, I’ll swap you my life saving cap for your skullcap. Aussie blokes like me who surf and run and ride bikes are called iron men. My cap will do your image the world of good. As a bonus, I promise I’ll never call you “marshmallow man” again.
I’ll give you an hour or so to think over my ultimatum. Well, it’s not really an ultimatum – I’ve made up my mind. You’ve already gone too far.
In the meantime, I wouldn’t mind taking the pope-mobile for a spin. Where are the keys?
And by the way, I expect to be Time Magazine’s Person of the Year for 2014. Then you’ll really know what humble pie tastes like – you oh-so-humble one!
Unbeknown to Mr Abbott, this pontification was recorded and posted by social media savvy Vatican staffers. Tens of millions of Pope Francis devotees were outraged.
Mr Tony Abbott was never able to leave Italy. Authorities confiscated his passport and all forms of identification. Australia’s embassies in Rome and the Holy See denied his Australian citizenship, or indeed any knowledge of him.
Cardinal George Pell befell a similar fate, having been defrocked on the grounds of guilt by association.
Abbott and Pell were last seen in Venice working as gondoliers spruiking, “Far canal, far canal, far canal, far canal, far canal.”
The man who’s taught the world the meaning of humility: He lives in a B&B and makes sandwiches for his guards. Could Francis be the greatest Pope ever? Daily Mail (UK)24 January 2014