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Sir Mitchell Johnson? Be warned, knighthoods may come back!

In case you are wondering, the ball has been redesigned to incorporate the Medal of British Knighthood
In case you are wondering, the ball has been redesigned to incorporate the Medal of British Knighthood

 

Boxing Day 2013

Dear Mr Abbott,

I was watching ABC TV’s News Breakfast this morning when presenters Beverley O’Connor and Paul Kennedy suggested that Mitchell Johnson should be knighted. I thought,
“ This idea has great possibilities. I should tell Tony. He’ll love it. He needs someone like me to get back on track.”

I’ve heard you are a royalist and a populist – I think that means you like to be popular – so you will find this idea irresistible. I know you are very good at telling Australians how they should think, but now it’s my turn to give you a dose of your own medicine. Believe me, it’s for your own good. I’ve also heard that you got to be PM by being a populist – guess you really like to be popular!

Seems you are not doing too well in the polls at the moment. Some dare to say you lack fresh ideas. Well, the moment has arrived for you to turn this around. You will be more popular than even I am.

Bring knighthoods back!

Australians, such as myself , want to be recognised with royalty-like status as true-blue, dinky-di, fair-dinkum Australians – not hoity-toity, intellectual, do-gooders. Leave AC’s to those twits – they can just be Companions – not Sirs and Dames.

Do you get it? Sirs and Dames can only be real Aussie icons – past, present and future – even posthumourously – I mean if they are dead.

Australians will love it!

The Queen or King, whoever she or he might be, would be delighted to come over to do the ceremonial honours. I reckon it should be done in the middle of the MCG just before the toss on Boxing Day.

And even better for you – thanks for my brainwave – it would kill off any chance of us ever becoming a republic. Imagine a future Sir Mitchell Johnson having to suffer the indignity of being a mere Mitchell Johnson AC. No future government would be game to drop these knighthoods, or its allegiance – that’s a big word isn’t it! I learnt it yesterday – to Her or His Majesty. Australia would be revolting!

I’ve even got some great suggestions on who should get the nod and why:

SPORT

Sir Shane Warne for services to cricket

Sir Michael Clarke for services to sledging

Sir David Boon for services to beer

Sir Mark Waugh for services to bookmakers

Sir Merv Hughes for services to moustaches

Sir Bill Lawry for services to pigeons … and beaks

Sir Dennis Lillee for services to kickboxing (with Javed Miandad)

Sir Trevor Chappell for services to underarm bowling (and Australia-New Zealand relations)

Sir Kevin Sheedy for services to jacket waving

Sir Mick Malthouse for services to niceness

Sir James Hird for services to the Essendon Football Club

Sir Stephen Bradbury for services to “doing a Bradbury”

Sir Greg Norman for services to the American accent

Sir Lleyton Hewitt for services to “come on!”

Sir Mark “Frosty” Winterbottom for services to nicknames

Sir Ted Whitten for services to ‘sticking it up ‘em”

ENTERTAINMENT & MEDIA

Sir Richie Benaud for services to the number “two”

Sir Kerry O’Keefe for services to giggling

Sir Bert Newton for services to the hair loss industry

Sir Peter Garrett for services to hair loss

Sir Molly Meldrum for services to hats

Sir Eddy McGuire for services to the racism debate (and King Kong)

Sir John Elliott for services to pigs’ arses

Sir Kyle Sandilands for services to sexism

Sir Andrew Bolt for services to freedom of speech

Sir Alan Jones for services to the chaff bag industry

Sir Tom Waterhouse for services to overexposure

Sir Sam Newman for services to women’s liberation

Sir Bruce McAvaney for services to “gee!”

Sir Michael Caton for services to Bonnie Doon

Sir Barry Humphries for services to transvestites

Sir John Farnham for services to premature retirement

Sir Derryn Hinch for (prior) services to the wine industry

Sir Paul Hogan for services to the Australian Taxation Office

Sir Reg Grundy for services to underpants

Sir Peter Harvey for services to “Cannbbbeeerrrraaa”

Sir Errol Flynn for services to the unmentionable

Due to your ‘women problem’ I have not included any Dames. I didn’t want to turn you off my idea. But I would like to suggest Dame Cathy Freeman for services to running really fast – which is a big advantage for women in Australia today.

You will notice that I have not included any politicians. They are not Aussie icons in the minds of most Australians. Except for your good self who I would suggest becomes Sir Anthony Abbott for services to the sexism debate.

Yours sincerely,

Shane Warne

 

 

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Kennett – the drop kick is not extinct yet. For Clarkson, the drop kick is a waste of time.

Can a past president be impeached? Can his membership be cancelled?
Can a past president be impeached? Can his membership be cancelled?

 

4 April 2013

Editor: STOP PRESS! Kennett mouths off.

Sub-editor: Boring! That’s old news. He has done that a thousand times. So what’s new? He’s a drop kick, and Clarkson reckons the drop kick is a waste of time, just like the rest of the football world does. It is extinct and he should be.

Editor: You didn’t let me finish. I was going to add: hits the turf and gets booted.

Sub-editor: That’s what a drop kick is, and that makes him a drop kick.

Editor: Listen here! Kennett, the drop kick is still not extinct and that’s news. 

Sub-editor: That’s not news and Kennett is a waste of our time, unless you can come up with a new angle.

Editor: OK then. How about: Kennett, the drop kick takes a punt, torpedoes Clarkson and the stab passes through the heart of Hawthorn.

Sub-editor: That’s much better! 

Yes, it’s the same old story! Jeff Kennett mouths off. The circuit breaker between his brain and his mouth lets him down again, and he is forced to apologise.

Here we go again – yet again – still:

Clarkson should leave, says Kennett

The Age 2 April 2013

Angry at the Hawks’ seven-point loss to Geelong at the MCG on Monday – their tenth-straight defeat to the Cats – and an inability to claim a premiership since 2008, Kennett said it was time for change.

“I think so. I had a discussion with Alastair some time ago. I have always believed six to eight years was as long enough as any coach should stay at any club,” he said on radio station 3AW.

“Alastair has got some wonderful personal values, he has done great service at the club but he has been in charge of one of the best groups of young men going around in footy now for a number of years, certainly since 2008.

Jeff Kennett: “There was an excuse in 2009 for our performance because of injury but 2010, 2011 and 2012, we have underperformed. Someone has to take responsibility for that.”

“There was an excuse in 2009 for our performance because of injury but 2010, 2011 and 2012, we have underperformed. Someone has to take responsibility for that.”

Full story

Hawk sack: Kennett says sorry

The Age 3 April 2013

As Hawthorn players came to the defence of Alastair Clarkson, Jeff Kennett issued a public apology to the premiership coach, less than 24 hours after calling for his sacking.

With Kennett’s extraordinary Easter Monday attack on Clarkson still dominating the airwaves on Tuesday, the outspoken former club president ensured a few more hours of media attention by releasing a letter of apology addressed to his former colleague.

Kennett admitted frustration had got the better of him and it was wrong to single out Clarkson for Hawthorn’s recent failings in big games, such as those against Geelong, of which the Hawks have now lost the last 10.

But Kennett stood by his view that Hawthorn had underperformed in the past three years and did not specifically retract his opinion that the team needed a ”fresh voice” in the coach’s box.

”Yes, someone must accept responsibility for those defeats. But maybe in my support of my club I have come to expect too much!” Kennett said in the letter.

”And on reflection, I was wrong to single out Alastair alone. He, like all at the club, have done their best and Alastair has personal values which I have always gratefully respected. To make judgments based on one game is inappropriate. I sincerely apologise to Alastair and his family for any grief I have caused them.”

Full story

 

 

 

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Give us our game back, Mr Demetriou

You know you have a big problem when you can’t sell a pie at the footy
You know you have a big problem when you can’t sell a pie at the footy

 

14 February 2013

Wouldn’t it be funny if they held an AFL season and nobody came! Supporters, that is. Players are another story pending the outcome of the current ACCC, ASADA investigations into illicit drug use.

The ugly face of modern footy is a turn off – profiteering, widespread doping, organised crime activities, poker machine revenue, duplicitous tanking for draft picks, gambling on a massive scale, and maybe even match fixing – it’s enough to make you choke on your pie – if you can afford one – if you bother to go to the footy in 2013.

Australian Rules is our game – loved, revered and worshipped by we true believers. It has soul. We live for our teams and hold our players in the highest regard. They are our heroes, performing their feats of athleticism and courage, with undying loyalty to their clubs. And they do it for the love of the game, not money.

That’s our game – as it was.

Their game has been to take our game, turn it in to big business and sell its soul. And they have succeeded. We have been treated like fools. More fool them for killing the goose that laid the golden egg.

They have abused the very people who made the game great – us. The mass appeal was their green light for exploitation of the masses – us!

We have been ripped off, conned, cheated, gouged, deceived and kicked in the guts. We have been sold out by greed – and they think we will continue to accept it.

Corporatised and commercialised – that’s them.

Disillusioned and disenchanted – that’s us.

The divide between them and us is a chasm.

There is nothing left for us to believe in. Nothing left to have faith in. No sporting values to justify any passion or loyalty for the game at the so-called “elite” level. There is nothing elite about cheats and crooks.

But so many true believers seem to just accept the sad reality. Maybe not for much longer! Maybe we will all vote with our feet and just stay away from this dubious, amoral, charade they call the modern-day AFL.

LET’S BOYCOTT THEM. DON’T GO TO MATCHES.

Let’s hit them where they have hit us – in the pocket. (Not to mention the heart and the guts.)

Let’s give them a big fright. That is the only way they will give the game back to its rightful owners – us!

YES! GIVE US OUR GAME BACK, MR DEMETRIOU.