Every morning, Campbell Cane Toad awoke, headed for the bathroom and kissed himself in the mirror. He then transformed into a besuited political being with the title: Premier of Queensland.
All was going well for Campbell until the 2015 landslide election when he lost his own seat, and with it his magic spell. Alas he could be humanoid no more. He was doomed, through the sorcery of the insidious LNP Panel of Evil, to become a squelched toad, with insidious consequences for the whole state. Dubbed ‘Campbell the Martyr’ by the panel, he was destined for sacrificial notoriety. The Panel of Evil was out for revenge in the wake the LNP’s statewide drubbing.
And so, on election night, stunned Queenslanders witnessed a concession speech delivered by a dying toad.
“My political career is over. I have been squelched. I am going to croak it. However, let me say it has been an absolute privilege to wreak havoc across this wonderful state in what has been an all-consuming passion for the past three years. If you think I’m on the nose, as your vote indicates, you ain’t smelt nothin’ yet!”
And with that, Queensland was slimed. Roads and railways became impassable, airports were closed, industry ground to a halt. ‘The Sunshine State’ slid to a standstill.
Then came the stench so great that Joh Bjelke-Petersen stirred from his grave gasping in awe at the devastation. “This is evil-doing on a scale I was never able to achieve in my time as a criminal lunatic corrupt premier. Oh such glory to the power of the vendetta for which I was peerless, until Campbell came along. I feel so inspired that I sense a reincarnation coming on. Don’t you worry about that.”
Eventually, Annastacia Palaszczuk and her team of Toadbusters formed a minority government and began to clean up the mess. Imploring Queenslanders to be on alert for any fresh outbreaks, the new premier launched into song:
If there’s something strange in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call? Toadbusters!
If there’s something weird and it don’t look good
Who ya gonna call? Toadbusters!
Queensland is now ‘The Fickle State’. Palaszczuk’s pitiful infantile chant was inexcusable. “Far worse than being slimed, that was an undignified attempt to make Queensland a laughing stock. Joh could do it with such dignity. Oh for a return to the glory days of Joh.” lamented an entire state.
Breaking news! The LNP Panel of Evil has recruited Joh Mark II.
Link to related article from The Age, 15 May 2014:
Schools fear for future as Gonski axed [Budget 2014-15]
The federal government has rejected the final two years of the so-called Gonski agreement, in which the majority of extra funds were set to flow.
… the Australian Education Union said the federal budget would ”entrench disadvantage” and hurt schools across Australia.
Queensland’s anti-bikie laws make the state look ‘ridiculous’
A senior barrister says Queensland’s anti-bikie laws make the state look ridiculous. In a scathing address at a lawyers conference on the Gold Coast, Stephen Keim said the Newman government’s laws breached human rights.
13 March 2013
Knowing that he has taken the helm of a sinking shop, new Victorian Premier Denis Napthine has announced that he will introduce a bill into State Parliament to legalise voluntary euthanasia, so that his government can avoid a slow, agonising death. The Voluntary Euthanasia Termination Bill (VET) has been cleverly acronymised by former rural veterinarian Napthine who is experienced in mercy killings of suffering beasts.
However, it is doubtful that Geoff Shaw, the disgraced rebel Liberal Frankston MP, now independent, who now holds the balance of power in the lower house, will vote with the Coalition. Mr Shaw, an avowed Christian who inflicted life-threatening wounds on the already feeble government, is opposed to euthanasia and likely to deny the government’s dying wish.
Cruel ironies and a protracted demise for the government which foolishly buttressed Mr Shaw, who has been under investigation by the police and the parliamentary privileges committee.
“Business as usual” – sure-fire euthanasia. A brilliant tactic to ensure a quick, clean political death. After all, “business as usual” is the government’s formula for disaster that got him into the top job, and with this level of premeditated self-sabotage will quickly get him out of it. That must be why he likes “business as usual” so much!
“Let’s get this over and done with and go out in grand style” could be another interpretation of “business as usual”.
Victorians are at their wits’ end and are desperate to get rid of this lot – almost as desperate as this lot is to get rid of itself.
But Victoria is locked into fixed parliamentary terms and there are still two years to run.
What to do to hasten the inevitable?
Geoff Shaw has agreed to vote with the Coalition on budget and confidence motions, but it has been cynically suggested that in this unwritten pact is the proviso of a boost to parliamentary superannuation for recently elected MPs – which includes Geoff Shaw – of course!
Political dynamite! To light the fuse or not?
Of course Napthine should light the fuse – the more political carnage the better. But wait – there’s more!
The premier should give in to Shaw’s long-standing superannuation request on the condition that he blocks confidence and budget motions. Then there can be a dissolution of the Legislative Assembly. Under Section 8A of the Constitution Act, an early election can be called in these circumstances.
The Victorian Liberal National Coalition Government will be no more.
Halleluiah! Euthanasia without all the trouble of passing a bill!
And so, mothballs for Mr Naptahlene.
PS: The Constitution Act does not appear to contain provision for the likes of a Voluntary Euthanasia Termination Act.
To its undying credit, this dying government has magnanimously drafted a list of recommendations for the benefit of future generations of state politicians, setting out what NOT to do.
DO NOT elect a party leader who does not want to be premier.
DO NOT make election promises that you cannot fulfil, because you could win.
DO NOT preach openness and transparency and then subvert the Freedom of Information process.
DO NOT discuss matters involving dirty deals and corruption over the phone.
DO NOT get caught undermining an inherited the Chief Commissioner of Police.
DO NOT let internal frictions and disunity fester indefinitely.
DO NOT stifle the economy with budget cuts when faced with a recession.
DO NOT let the economy slip into recession.
DO NOT be over-cautious, indecisive and slow to act.
DO NOT mistreat nurses, teachers and paramedics.
DO NOT slash TAFE and hospital funding.
DO NOT stand by a disgraced member even if his vote is vital.
DO NOT do parliamentary superannuation deals with a disgraced member even if his vote is vital.
DO NOT treat the electorate with contempt.
DO NOT treat the media with contempt.
DO NOT change leader without explaining why.
DO NOT forget to govern.
DO NOT be stupid because being stupid is just stupid.
21 February 2013
First came the announcement of the Commonwealth’s $107 million cut to Victoria’s health funding this financial year, based on population forecasts. The cut, which coincided with the state government cutting about $123 million a year from its health budget, had caused more than 300 hospital beds to close
After scathing criticisms of the Victorian government’s management of it’s health system – “the Baillieu government which has proven itself to be a cruel and incompetent manager of the Victorian health system … has engaged in a politically-driven campaign of stunts and spin” – Federal Health Minister Tanya Pliberseck has been forced to bail-out Victoria’s hospitals.
“The Victorian Government made some savage cuts to local hospitals in Victoria, and as health minister, I can’t stand by and see patients suffer. So, what we are doing is taking money that would have otherwise have gone to Victorian Treasury for a range of programs and redirecting it directly in to the hands of hospital administrators.”
As the Sydney Morning Herald reported:
Minister considers reversal of fortune for hospitals
The federal government will consider restoring $404 million cut from hospital budgets around Australia this financial year following the reversal of a cut to Victorian funding and threat from the Prime Minister to bypass state governments and fund hospitals directly.
Health minister Tanya Plibersek said Prime Minister Julia Gillard had written to other states to say she would consider restoring funding to hospitals after a readjustment of population forecast figures in October had resulted in a $404 million shortfall this financial year.
The restoration of $107 million in funding to Victoria would be made directly to hospitals, bypassing the Baillieu government.