John Kerry – United States Secretary of State

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John Forbes Kerry (born December 11, 1943) is an American politician who is the 68th and current United States Secretary of State. He served as a United States Senator from Massachusetts from 1985 to 2013, and was chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. Kerry was the presidential nominee of the Democratic Party in the 2004 presidential election but lost to incumbent George W. Bush … Full Wikipedia profile

Rebekah Brooks: What, Me Worry?

Rebekah Brooks has pleaded “What, Me Worry” to charges relating to the UK phone hacking scandal.
Rebekah Brooks has pleaded “What, Me Worry” to charges relating to the UK phone hacking scandal.

6 June 2013

Former News International chief executive Rebekah Brooks has pleaded “What, Me Worry” to charges relating to the UK phone hacking scandal.

Looking up from reading a copy of Mad Magazine, the former editor of the now defunct News of the World, indignant at being interrupted, blithely entered pleas of “What, Me Worry” to five charges relating to her time running two national tabloids.

Ms. Brooks then left the court with her spiritual advisor, Alfred E. Neuman, who spoke to the awaiting media throng saying, “What, She Worry? She is planning to move to Australia to take up a prestigious position at the Poowong Post.

 

The Editor
Poowong Post
Victoria
Australia

Dear Sir/Madam,

I wish to apply for the position of Journalist, as advertised in your esteemed newspaper.

I received a cutting of the advertisement in the mail, sent to me by a former colleague who fled to Australia seeking a better climate. You might know her; she works as a barmaid at your pub and goes by the alias of Sheila.

I am not sure where Poowong is located, but it sounds like a lovely place. According to Sheila, it is in a dairy farming district in Victoria, but I have been unable to ascertain the exact whereabouts because I donated my laptop to the police as a contribution to the Scotland Yard Christmas Raffle. Those police do such a wonderful job protecting we Brits from the low-lives who attempt to undermine the very fabric of our society, so I was more than happy to have it confiscated.

I have had extensive journalistic experience and have even been editor/chief executive of two major British tabloids. In fact, I have become quite a celebrity, but have tired of the limelight. I want to migrate to Australia with my husband to live a simple rural life and slip into obscurity.

That is not to say that being appointed as a journalist with the Poowong Post is slipping into obscurity. I believe it to be a highly prestigious position. I would be delighted to be at the forefront of breaking news in your town.

In fact, Sheila has already given me a few leads. She says that the Easter Billy Cart Derby was fixed by the local s.p. bookie, that judges of the Country Women’s Association annual cake decorating competition were bribed with cases of whisky, and that the prying telephone exchange operator is having an affair with the Catholic priest, who is enjoying three other sexual liaisons.

This presents me with the opportunity to illustrate my extra-journalistic talents and pro-activity, which I am sure you will applaud. I could bribe the phone exchange lady for all the local gossip she eavesdrops on, in return for keeping mum. I could pay the local policeman for inside information; that would be easy because it was his wife who won the CWA cake decorating competition. And as for the local bookie; well, let’s just say I am very handy with secret tape devices and could get some inside running on your next picnic race meeting. And the Catholic priest might be surprised to read transcripts of his expressions of lust, by courtesy of a device hidden under his bed by yours truly. Yes, pressing the flesh is what it is all about.

I will be the biggest thing to happen to Poowong since electricity was connected. You do have electricity don’t you?

I can guarantee that I will quadruple your circulation within a month and even turn the national spotlight on your little backwater which I would turn into a tsunami. The media will swarm like flies to a Poowong cowpat.

However, that brings a minor point to mind. A shy, shrinking violet such as myself does not desire any adulation for stirring up media frenzies. I have had enough of that. I would prefer to go by the nom de plume of Verity Virago, and not be available for any interviews, especially television.

I must stress that you should not fear for your position of editor. I am known for my loyalty and integrity; just ask any of my former employees at the now defunct News of the World.

Do not bother to reply. I will simply assume I have been successful in this application, and will be there in three weeks time to commence duties. If there are any unforseen circumstances, such as bail complications or passport seizure, I will let you know with plenty of advance notice.

Yours sincerely,

Rebekah Brooks

PS: Does Poowong have mobile phone reception?

REFEREES

Rupert Murdoch

James Murdoch

David Cameron

 

Coverage by ABC Online: 

Rebekah Brooks pleads not guilty to phone hacking charges

Former News International chief executive Rebekah Brooks has pleaded not guilty to charges relating to the UK phone hacking scandal.

The former editor of the now defunct News of the World entered pleas of not guilty to five charges relating to her time running two national tabloids.

The 45-year-old is charged with offences including conspiracy to hack phones, conspiracy to commit misconduct in a public office and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.

The scandal led to the closure of the tabloid, and eventually to the Leveson inquiry into press standards in the UK.

She is due to stand trial in September.

Her husband Charlie Brooks also pleaded not guilty to allegations of covering up evidence.

Other senior staff, including the tabloid’s former managing editor Stuart Kuttner and former assistant news editor James Weatherup, also pleaded not guilty to charges related to phone hacking, while her personal assistant pleaded not guilty to perverting the course of justice.

Brooks was arrested in July 2011 along with other members of staff over charges related to the unlawful interception of mobile phone messages to generate front page news stories.

The scandal, which prompted the closure of the mass-selling News of the World and a year-long public inquiry, sent shockwaves through the British establishment as it revealed the close ties between the country’s media, police and politicians.

 

 

Mitt Romney: That’s all Folks!

That's all Folks!
That’s all Folks!

24 December 2012

I’m worried about a friend of mine. He dreamt that he ran for the presidency, and lost. He is so depressed.

Have you told him that it was just a bad dream?

Just a bad dream! How could you spend millions of dollars on a bad dream?

You look for all the world like Mitt Romney to me.

OK – I admit it – I am Mitt Romney. Guess I’ve been running away from the truth.

And when did you first notice that you were running away from your own identity?

I didn’t say I was running away from my own identity. I don’t have an identity to run away from –  that’s the truth that I am running away from. But to answer your question, it was when the election campaign began. People wanted to know just who I was. I wasn’t going to buy into that, so I concentrated on Obama-bashing. Trouble was, the electorate already knew who he was, and already knew how they were going to vote anyway. What I said didn’t make any difference. I should have focused on my own personal qualities.

And what are your personal qualities and just who are you?

I don’t know.

You don’t know! Well, do you know that your campaign agenda was empty? It ignored the needs, aspirations and concerns of most people. 

That’s not true. Most people I know are rich and they thought I did a mighty fine job. But I lost – I don’t get it.

So you are depressed because you lost. True?

How would you expect me to feel? Like Googie Withers skipping down the yellow brick road on her way to the Emerald City.

It was Judy Garland, not Googie Withers.

You can talk until your googie withers. I tell you it was Ginger Rogers.

You really do have issues with misplaced identity, don’t you?

No! The truth is, I am actually Bugs Bunny.

Why exactly did you come to see me?

I have a toothache.

Well, eat carrots. They are good for teeth.

Isn’t that a case of preaching to the converted?

That’s what you did in your campaign. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You promised tax cuts for the rich, and deregulation for corporations. Those people vote Republican anyway. You forgot about ordinary middle class families.

Have I ever told you the story about how I killed the goose that laid the golden egg?

Oh, my God!

What’s up Doc? Oh dear! I almost forgot why I came. Here are my dentures for repair.

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Fraser on US-Australia relations in ‘Asian Century’

Fraser: Less Rush - more presidential wisdom please, Mr Obama
Fraser: Less Rush – more presidential wisdom please, Mr Obama

25 September 2012 

Here is a satirical interpretation of a speech by Malcolm Fraser to the University of Melbourne’s Asialink Centre on US-Australian relations in this ‘Asian Century’.

See that kid over there. His name is America and he is the schoolyard bully.

He loves to flex his muscles and pick fights. He is really sneaky because he makes out that he is doing this for the good of the whole playground by getting rid of the ‘bad’ kids. But everyone knows he has hidden agendas.

The trouble with America is that he is not very smart, like most bullies, and he hasn’t won many fights anyway.

Once, he took on North Vietnam, but when he knew he couldn’t win, he ran away.

He tried Iraq and Afghanistan but couldn’t win those fights either.

You would think he might have learnt his lesson by now, but he hasn’t. He is so obsessed with being the ruler of the whole playground that he has decided to pick on the biggest kid in the school – China – just because he is scared that China might get too big for his boots.

America has always known that he can’t win fights all on his own. He has always sucked in other kids to help him, using all sorts of tricks. He told everyone that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. That got kids scared so they decided to help America. But Iraq didn’t have any of those weapons. I reckon America wanted Iraq’s oil. That’s what you call a hidden agenda.

Now America is using stand-over tactics on Australia to get control of the Western Pacific and South East Asia region. That’s where Australia is in the schoolyard and it’s the best place to be to pick a fight with China.

America said to Australia, “If you don’t do what I say, I won’t help you when China attacks you.” That’s what you call a stand-over tactic. So Australia agreed, even though Australia has excellent trade relations with China, and China had no intention of attacking him – but now it might if America starts a fight. Australia could get hurt.

How stupid is Australia? He was safe in the first place and had nothing to worry about. Now he isn’t safe and has got plenty to worry about.

Guess America must be smarter than I thought!

Click here for an edited extract with a link to the full speech in text and video on the Asialink site

 

Beazley’s bombshell on Labor’s hopes

They don't call me Bomber Beazley for nothing
They don’t call me Bomber Beazley for nothing

 

31 July 2012

May I introduce myself? I’m Kim Beazley and as Australia’s Ambassador to the United States, I don’t comment on Australian politics, but since you asked, I would say that Labor has as much chance of winning the next election as I do of shooting an elephant in my pyjamas. I couldn’t imagine why an elephant would be wearing my pyjamas, but I’m sure they would fit OK.

And speaking of unlikely escapades, would you believe that I was once, well twice actually, the Leader of the Australian Labor Party?

I lost two elections and never got to be Prime Minister, so I am an expert on Labor doom and gloom.

I was going really well coming up to my third election campaign, until I got some names mixed up. I referred to Rove McManus, a TV host whose wife had just died, as Karl Rove, your President’s advisor at the time. Simple enough mistake to make, but Labor didn’t see it that way, so they dumped me. And that was the second time!

Err …where was I? Oh yes. I would say that it would not matter whether Labor was led by Julia Rudd or Kevin Gillard – Labor will get trounced either way. They are doomed.

A leadership change won’t make any difference. It doesn’t matter who leads the party, just like it didn’t matter who led the party when they dumped me in 2006. I had led the party to near oblivion and that little Kevin fella thought he could turn things around. Boy, was he full of himself!

And if you think I’m kicking a man when he’s down, bad luck, they did it to me. They put the party before the great Kim Beazley – twice!

So a truck-load of bombshells is what they need from me. They don’t call me Bomber Beazley for nothing!

I’m not fazed if my comments become an electorally damaging, self-fulfilling propheshy back home. Stiff chips.

Speaking of truck-loads and chips, have my fish and chips arrived?

(With apologies to Groucho Marx for the elephant gag)

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