Joe Hockey

 

 

 

Designer sweats available from Joe Hockey’s Sydney North Shore garage on Sunday mornings before church, personally signed by the great man himself. Price $1000. All proceeds going towards the re-election of the greatest treasurer Australia has ever known – me. (What lefty smart-arse put James Baldwin in this poster?)
I will then address you, my adoring rich throng, to explain why I hate poverty and why you should too. My media critics say I am promoting class warfare, which only brings this wonderful concept into public gaze and humiliates the poor. I love my critics.
Class warfare is good for Australia. It creates wealth. Welfare is a drain on the budget that we cannot afford. Well, we can actually, but I want to make the underclass – the poor, sick, feeble and disabled – feel as guilty as hell for being social parasites.
The more they are despised for their heinous crime of receiving welfare payments, the better the chances of them get off their arses or out of their wheelchairs or their sick beds, to actually do some – wait for it – ‘heavy lifting’. I just love that now-famous quote of mine. All that money saved on welfare could go towards making the rich richer, which is already an encouraging trend. (Along with the poor getting poorer). Top-end tax cuts would be a good start.
After church, I want you all to jump in to your rich-mobiles and head to the poorest suburbs to do some serious hating. You will be doing Australia proud!

Tony Abbott

 

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AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM ME

That flagpole cost four million dollars plus. All that public money just to hold up a piece of cloth. Such a terrible waste.

I admit it was Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser who commissioned the new Parliament House with that phallic symbol. Rather apt for an arrogant prick like him to epitomize himself on a grandiose scale. He’s a turncoat Liberal deserter.

Speaking of grandiose, I know Australians hate grandiosity, including big words like that. Anything grandiose or high-flown, like that flagpole makes them cringe.

Ah yes, the great Australian cringe. That’s the secret of my success. Australians love to cringe.

That’s why I’m PM. I am fantastic cringe material. I make Australians cringe. I make them feel so uncomfortable having me as prime minister. They cringe so much that they love me. If they love to cringe and I make them cringe, they must love me. It’s perfect logic.

Which brings me to the reason I have called this press conference.

You are all aware of a document leaked by my department that exposes my scheme, which I cannot reveal because it is the subject of an internal investigation. However, I can reveal that it relates to a plan to make Australians cringe to unprecedented degrees. And yes, it does involve dismantling that flagpole.

Might I say however, that nothing could be more Abbottesque to adorn Capital Hill than me, my Speedos and a giant Hills Hoist. And the Union Jack of course – would be un-Australia to ignore that. Australians will love me for it.

I suspect the leak culprit is Peta Credlin, my chief of staff who thought my idea was ridiculous – too cringe-worthy for my own good, she told me. How ridiculous to call me ridiculous. I’m the expert on cringeworthiness. She thinks my ego is out of control.

She does not realise that my ego and the great Australian cringe are a match made in heaven.

When you journos write your columns, please make your readers cringe. If you don’t, my grandiose gesture to the people of Australia might never eventuate. That would be such a terrible waste.

Bronwyn Bishop

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Order! Order! Order! Order! The Opposition Member for Thingumajig and the Opposition Member for Jiggamatite will resume their seats. Park your arses! This house needs some decorum and as sure as I’m a big ‘L’ Liberal, I’m going to make sure it happens – our way – our holier than thou way – which sure as hell entitles us to be absolute pricks and get away with it.

In this role as Speaker, I honour my pledge to act impartially. I mean to be impartial and I’m mean too, so watch out you ridiculous rabble on the left.

Order! Order! Order! Order! Infectious laughter will not be tolerated. I intend to be taken seriously. The Opposition Member for Shenanigans will leave the chamber for calling me an FNTV. The Manager of Opposition Business, Tony Burke will apologise for calling me biased and incompetent. How could I be biased or incompetent? I’m just an FNTV.

I call on the Leader of the House, Christopher Pyne to snot Mr Burke for castigating me for allegedly, improperly, allegedly using my private dining room for an alleged Liberal party fundraiser. Mr Burke will then leave the chamber under Standing Order I8U.

I am presently attending to important business in another chamber and will resume the chair in 10 minutes. Damn! There’s no toilet paper.

The Labor Member for Shemozzle will leave the chamber for wetting herself from laughter. Such impropriety will not be tolerated.

That’s the last time I use CCTV for doing my business.

Clive Palmer

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I’m a billionaire. I bought my way into parliament. I can say and do whatever I want – wherever I want – my way. I’ve taken my special brand of hot-headedness to heights never before seen in Australian politics.

Here’s the gist of some of my greatest rants:

The Chinese are mongrels who shoot their own people and haven’t got a justice system.

The Chinese government wants to bring workers here to destroy our wage system – they want to take over our ports and get our resources for free.

Rupert Murdoch’s wife Wendy Deng is a Chinese spy. She’s been spying on Rupert for years, giving money back to Chinese intelligence.

There’s been global warming for a long time. All of Ireland was covered by ice at one time. There were no human inhabitants in Ireland. That’s part of the natural cycle.

Nature needs to pull its own weight when it comes to carbon reduction.

I can get a group of scientists together and pay them whatever I want, to come up with whatever solution I want. (on climate change)

The Greens and Greenpeace are funded by the CIA and the Rockefellers to further United States interests. The US funds environmental group Greenpeace via the CIA to undermine Australia’s coal mining sector. Greens campaigner Drew Hutton is a tool of the US government and Rockefeller, and so are the Greens.

Queensland Premier Campbell Newman should be thrown in jail for not reporting corruption allegations against me sooner.

My dear old Aunt Gertrude once told me, “Clive my boy, one day you will be the biggest, stupidest gasbag of a nincompoop Australia has ever known.” Ever since then, I have humbly tried to live up to her expectations. Dear old Gertie – God bless her soul – I’m sure she would be proud if she could see me now. I have nincompooped my way into more deep shit than Titanic II could get through if it was stuck up that creek without a paddle.

Christopher Pyne

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“Sincerity is the key to success. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
Groucho Marx

“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.”
Oscar Wilde

“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”
George Bernard Shaw

“I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.”
Charles Chaplin

“Today’s public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can’t read them either.”
Gore Vidal

“Imbroglio ~ confusing and complicated situation.”
Collins Dictionary

“I stand, despite all logic or reason, in a political imbroglio with the Senate. I’m accused of bookending myself with insincerity, cynicism, ignorance, stigma and even illiteracy – what an indictment on an education minister. Yes, I’m verrrry interesting – but stupid.”
Guess who?

“Verrrry interesting – but stupid.”
Arte Johnson
~ Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In
YouTube

Tanya Plibersek

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“Gender inequality has been a driver of the women’s movement for many years; and economic inequality is inextricable linked with gender inequality. The equity principle at the heart of the women’s movement has a particular relevance today, in a world characterised by rising economic inequality.”
This is an extract of a speech made by Tanya Plibersek MP, Deputy Leader of the Opposition, Shadow Minister for Foreign Affairs and International Development, and Member for Sydney at the National Labor Women’s Conference on 2 August 2014.

She’s obviously a smart-arse bitch with reffo parents who came from  some place called Slovenia. That’s somewhere near Wogland isn’t it? She got a free uni education cos Gough gave it to her at taxpayers’ expense. All that tax I had to pay cos I got sprung by the Tax Office paid for her education. Apparently she worked for a Domestic Violence Unit. I think I like her after all. Any one who promotes domestic violence is a friend of mine. My missus hasn’t got any fancy titles. I just call her cook or shagger and that’s all she’s good for – apart from my beer money. She gets that from working for bugger-all at a women’s refuge. She reckons women are oppressed. What does that mean?
By Rodney Redneck

Dear Rodney – suggest you have a look at this video. It’s an interview with the head of the new domestic violence task force, Dame Quentin Bryce talking about this growing national scourge.

Scott Morrison

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Immigration Minister Scott Morrison has hit back at UN criticism of Australia’s treatment of asylum seekers ~ SBS

Morrison:
Actual quote: “The most flagrant abuse of human rights I am aware of is the beheading and crucifying of people in Syria and Iraq, where Australia is seeking to relieve the humanitarian crisis.”
Detainees:
Possible response: Small consolation Mr Morrison. We would prefer to be beheaded and put out of our misery, rather than suffer this endless torture. Come on, be humane. Relieve our humanitarian crisis. Decapitate us! That’ll do your party the world of good in the polls. Those polls which are the reason we are here.
Morrison:
Actual quote: “My Christian faith remains the driving force for my family, beliefs and values.” Possible follow on: I regret to inform you whingeing pack of heathens that my Christian faith prohibits me from having you decapitated. However, your invitation does have one particularly appealing feature. It would get the UN Committee on Torture off my back for causing you – “serious physical and mental suffering” – as they claim. I can’t be accused of torturing dead people, can I? I’ll have a chat with our party pollsters and see what they think. I’ll let you know how I get on. Regards, Scott.

Sky News ~ UN report points to Australian failures

George Brandis

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Senator George Brandis: ”People do have a right to be bigots, you know. In a free country people do have rights to say things that other people find offensive or insulting or bigoted.” ~ ABC

Dear The Dishonourable Attorney-General,
You are disgraceful. An infantile imbecile. Politically naive. We almost got away with making it legal to be insulting, offensive, bigoted racist pigs, until you blew our cover. You idiot. I wish you could keep your big mouth shut. You have made a meal of yourself. Hang on, there’s an idea! Why don’t you devour yourself. After all, your head does look like a cooked chook. Enjoy yourself! I’ll provide the knife and fork with relish.
Sincerely,
The Honourable Prime Minister
PS: I know you won’t be upset by this – white skins are thicker than brown.

Christine Milne

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Over the hill they go, killing another mountain
Gotta fill the quota – can’t go slow
Huge machinery wiping out the scenery
One big swipe like a shearer’s blow
Rip rip woodchip – turn it into paper
Throw it in the bin, no news today
Stirs my blood – gonna make a stand
~ Lyrics in part from John Williamson’s hit ‘Rip Rip Woodchip’
Full lyrics
See it on YouTube
27  October 2010 ~
Media release authorised by Christine Milne:
BOB BROWN TO INDUCT JOHN WILLIAMSON INTO A.R.I.A. HALL OF FAME
Release in full