Joe Hockey

 

 

 

Designer sweats available from Joe Hockey’s Sydney North Shore garage on Sunday mornings before church, personally signed by the great man himself. Price $1000. All proceeds going towards the re-election of the greatest treasurer Australia has ever known – me. (What lefty smart-arse put James Baldwin in this poster?)
I will then address you, my adoring rich throng, to explain why I hate poverty and why you should too. My media critics say I am promoting class warfare, which only brings this wonderful concept into public gaze and humiliates the poor. I love my critics.
Class warfare is good for Australia. It creates wealth. Welfare is a drain on the budget that we cannot afford. Well, we can actually, but I want to make the underclass – the poor, sick, feeble and disabled – feel as guilty as hell for being social parasites.
The more they are despised for their heinous crime of receiving welfare payments, the better the chances of them get off their arses or out of their wheelchairs or their sick beds, to actually do some – wait for it – ‘heavy lifting’. I just love that now-famous quote of mine. All that money saved on welfare could go towards making the rich richer, which is already an encouraging trend. (Along with the poor getting poorer). Top-end tax cuts would be a good start.
After church, I want you all to jump in to your rich-mobiles and head to the poorest suburbs to do some serious hating. You will be doing Australia proud!

Bronwyn Bishop

BronwynBKEOGH1000x100

Order! Order! Order! Order! The Opposition Member for Thingumajig and the Opposition Member for Jiggamatite will resume their seats. Park your arses! This house needs some decorum and as sure as I’m a big ‘L’ Liberal, I’m going to make sure it happens – our way – our holier than thou way – which sure as hell entitles us to be absolute pricks and get away with it.

In this role as Speaker, I honour my pledge to act impartially. I mean to be impartial and I’m mean too, so watch out you ridiculous rabble on the left.

Order! Order! Order! Order! Infectious laughter will not be tolerated. I intend to be taken seriously. The Opposition Member for Shenanigans will leave the chamber for calling me an FNTV. The Manager of Opposition Business, Tony Burke will apologise for calling me biased and incompetent. How could I be biased or incompetent? I’m just an FNTV.

I call on the Leader of the House, Christopher Pyne to snot Mr Burke for castigating me for allegedly, improperly, allegedly using my private dining room for an alleged Liberal party fundraiser. Mr Burke will then leave the chamber under Standing Order I8U.

I am presently attending to important business in another chamber and will resume the chair in 10 minutes. Damn! There’s no toilet paper.

The Labor Member for Shemozzle will leave the chamber for wetting herself from laughter. Such impropriety will not be tolerated.

That’s the last time I use CCTV for doing my business.