Boxing Day 2013
Dear Mr Abbott,
I was watching ABC TV’s News Breakfast this morning when presenters Beverley O’Connor and Paul Kennedy suggested that Mitchell Johnson should be knighted. I thought,
“ This idea has great possibilities. I should tell Tony. He’ll love it. He needs someone like me to get back on track.”
I’ve heard you are a royalist and a populist – I think that means you like to be popular – so you will find this idea irresistible. I know you are very good at telling Australians how they should think, but now it’s my turn to give you a dose of your own medicine. Believe me, it’s for your own good. I’ve also heard that you got to be PM by being a populist – guess you really like to be popular!
Seems you are not doing too well in the polls at the moment. Some dare to say you lack fresh ideas. Well, the moment has arrived for you to turn this around. You will be more popular than even I am.
Bring knighthoods back!
Australians, such as myself , want to be recognised with royalty-like status as true-blue, dinky-di, fair-dinkum Australians – not hoity-toity, intellectual, do-gooders. Leave AC’s to those twits – they can just be Companions – not Sirs and Dames.
Do you get it? Sirs and Dames can only be real Aussie icons – past, present and future – even posthumourously – I mean if they are dead.
Australians will love it!
The Queen or King, whoever she or he might be, would be delighted to come over to do the ceremonial honours. I reckon it should be done in the middle of the MCG just before the toss on Boxing Day.
And even better for you – thanks for my brainwave – it would kill off any chance of us ever becoming a republic. Imagine a future Sir Mitchell Johnson having to suffer the indignity of being a mere Mitchell Johnson AC. No future government would be game to drop these knighthoods, or its allegiance – that’s a big word isn’t it! I learnt it yesterday – to Her or His Majesty. Australia would be revolting!
I’ve even got some great suggestions on who should get the nod and why:
Sir Shane Warne for services to cricket
Sir Michael Clarke for services to sledging
Sir David Boon for services to beer
Sir Mark Waugh for services to bookmakers
Sir Merv Hughes for services to moustaches
Sir Bill Lawry for services to pigeons … and beaks
Sir Dennis Lillee for services to kickboxing (with Javed Miandad)
Sir Trevor Chappell for services to underarm bowling (and Australia-New Zealand relations)
Sir Kevin Sheedy for services to jacket waving
Sir Mick Malthouse for services to niceness
Sir James Hird for services to the Essendon Football Club
Sir Stephen Bradbury for services to “doing a Bradbury”
Sir Greg Norman for services to the American accent
Sir Lleyton Hewitt for services to “come on!”
Sir Mark “Frosty” Winterbottom for services to nicknames
Sir Ted Whitten for services to ‘sticking it up ‘em”
ENTERTAINMENT & MEDIA
Sir Richie Benaud for services to the number “two”
Sir Kerry O’Keefe for services to giggling
Sir Bert Newton for services to the hair loss industry
Sir Peter Garrett for services to hair loss
Sir Molly Meldrum for services to hats
Sir Eddy McGuire for services to the racism debate (and King Kong)
Sir John Elliott for services to pigs’ arses
Sir Kyle Sandilands for services to sexism
Sir Andrew Bolt for services to freedom of speech
Sir Alan Jones for services to the chaff bag industry
Sir Tom Waterhouse for services to overexposure
Sir Sam Newman for services to women’s liberation
Sir Bruce McAvaney for services to “gee!”
Sir Michael Caton for services to Bonnie Doon
Sir Barry Humphries for services to transvestites
Sir John Farnham for services to premature retirement
Sir Derryn Hinch for (prior) services to the wine industry
Sir Paul Hogan for services to the Australian Taxation Office
Sir Reg Grundy for services to underpants
Sir Peter Harvey for services to “Cannbbbeeerrrraaa”
Sir Errol Flynn for services to the unmentionable
Due to your ‘women problem’ I have not included any Dames. I didn’t want to turn you off my idea. But I would like to suggest Dame Cathy Freeman for services to running really fast – which is a big advantage for women in Australia today.
You will notice that I have not included any politicians. They are not Aussie icons in the minds of most Australians. Except for your good self who I would suggest becomes Sir Anthony Abbott for services to the sexism debate.