As a CSIRO marine scientist examined a tragic creature, a seven-armed octopus discovered in a load of baloney by an abalone diver just off Dunder Heads, he mused, “Could this be the discovery of a new species, a heptopus, or has this tragic met with foul play?”
Scientist: You appear to be an octopus short of an arm.
Creature: I will admit that I am akin to a sandwich short of a picnic, a can short of a slab and a village short of an idiot when I’m out of town. Yes, I accept that I am an opposition leader short of a policy platform. But, but, but I am not willing to accept that I am an octopus short of an arm.
Scientist: So you are a stupid opposition leader with no policies and you are in a in a state of denial.
Creature: Yes, I’ll go along with that. Just call me Bill.
Scientist: OK Bill, so you agree you are in a state of denial.
Bill: Yes, I will not deny that I am in denial. I deny that I am short of an arm.
Scientist: Stupid with no policies hey? Little wonder the media is having a field day with you.
Bill: Yes, I’m dumber than a bag of hammers and as sharp as a bowling ball. In fact, the press reckon I’m as exciting as drying paint, all froth and no beer, and couldn’t fight my way out of a wet paper bag. And they are right.
Scientist: So, you are a dumb, slow-witted, boring, weak opposition leader with no substance, no self-esteem, let alone policies. You are deeply flawed.
Bill: Yes, I’ll go along with that. But I am not an octopus short of an arm.
Scientist: Why are you so obsessed with this missing arm?
Bill: What missing arm? Listen here! I have always been one to go along with things, to drift with the changing tides popular opinion, to be a consensus cephalopod, to be a majority mollusc. Remember how I got rid of Rudd and Gillard? I went with the flow of Labor’s moods. I’m a numbers octopus. Can you imagine how a numbers octopus would look with only seven arms? I must have eight arms. I cannot afford to look ridiculous.
Scientist: You are incapable of facing up to reality. You are ridiculous.
Bill: And you, a CSIRO scientist are talking to an octopus. Don’t call me ridiculous!
Good evening and thanks for joining us. You look ridiculous.
You need all the joining you can get. You at the ABC are falling apart. Funding cuts must be taking their toll if they employ cheap shots like you to throw cheap shots at people like me.
You are making a mockery of your role as opposition leader.
I did not come here to be insulted.
Why? Where do you normally go?
I have come here for a serious political interview, not a Marx Brothers routine. And by the way, I’ll do the gags.
With due respect Mr Shorten, it was you who started this fiasco in Marxism.
Are you accusing me of being a Marxist?
I think I am losing the will to live.
Don’t be ridiculous, let’s get down to some serious business, like why I am being cast as the least inspiring opposition leader since Alexander Downer.
Gladly, but why are you wearing those fishnet stockings and high-heels?
I am making the point that Alexander was not uninspiring, and I am just as good as him at making a complete dork of myself.
You call that inspiring do you?
And why are you exposing your bare chest and belly?
Because I want to be seen as a real man with guts.
Speaking of guts, can I get to the guts of this so-called interview?
Why are you so focused on the support of rusted-on Labor supporters and not appealing to the wider population with a fresh narrative and new ideas?
I can assure you that I’ve given those rusty Labor remnants more than the occasional spray of WD40. They have to wake up to themselves and move with the times or they can get stuffed. We need to find a new base of Labor support.
Like people who don’t watch the ABC. People who think politicians are a joke. People who think Labor is about having babies. People who don’t think. These are the people we need to attract.
And how do you propose to do that?
I’m sorry but we seem to be out of time.
Mr Shorten, that is my call, not yours.
Thank you coming. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Hello my dear Liberal Party switchboard operator. Please put me through to NBN Co – that’s the National Broadband Network Company – if my carrier pigeon didn’t arrive there 30 minutes ago.
No need to get smart with me! I know broadband hasn’t been invented yet. I’m trying to get back to the future.
I hate being yesterday’s man. I’m a social progressive. I’m a republican. I believe in gay marriage. I’m social media savvy. And you should see the way I dress. But here I am stuck in the past, in this party that makes time go backwards – ever since I lost control, that is.
Did you say, “Of my senses?”
Back in 2009, I will be opposition leader, then I’ll get dumped for supporting an emissions trading scheme to save the planet from climate change, which won’t be recognised until 1989 when a British Prime Minister called Margaret Thatcher addresses the United Nations on this catastrophic threat to the planet.
I will have argued that the world is moving in the direction of carbon pricing. But Tony Abbott – the bloke who steals my job – will say, “As I’ve always said, the world is moving away from carbon taxes and emission trading schemes, not towards it.”
Time will prove me right – the world will move forwards in my direction and not backwards in Tony’s. But Tony has stolen my job by one vote. That one lousy vote in that party room where time stood still and the world of progressive thinking swivelled on its axis and began rotating in the opposite direction – backwards – Tony’s way.
Operator, you do realise I’m Malcolm Turnbull and I will be Minister for Communications in the Abbott Coalition Government in 2014.
Did I hear you say this is 2014? Hallehulya! At last I’ve found someone around here who doesn’t think it’s the 1960’s. Someone who understands me. Someone who likes me. You do understand and like me, don’t you?
Seeing you and me are now buddies, and we are both in the communications business, I bet you would love to hear my story:
In 2009, as Opposition Leader I secretly believed in the Labor’s NBN plan to roll out high-speed optic fibre cable to 93% of homes, schools and business across Australia by 2021, with satellite and fixed wireless networks to service the remaining seven per cent. Fantastic concept I thought.
I could never afford to be seen to agree with anything Labor did or was going to do, even if I did agree. But I didn’t go out of my way to criticise the NBN.
Anyway, Tony knew I was pro-NBN. So after he stole my job, he announced he wanted to destroy it. Then, to make my life a complete misery he made me Shadow Minister for Communications. That man has a sick sense of humour.
I had to lie through my teeth with my legendary, persuasive silver tongue, and say the “$43 billion white elephant was a colossal destruction of taxpayer’s money”.
I knew most Australians wanted the highest possible broadband speed, and Tony’s threat to dismantle it was political suicide. I had to save my own arse, and to do that I had to save his by convincing him go to the 2013 election not still promising to dismantle the NBN.
After Tony became prime minister and I became communications minister, I saved it with my fibre-to-the-node compromise by incorporating Telstra’s old copper network . I brought it back to the future, in a backward, short-sighted sort of way. Now he makes out he invented my idea: “We believe in a national broadband network and we will deliver a better one”, he said.
It was not going to be a better one, it was worse, but it was better than what he wanted which was yesterday’s model, which he personifies, as opposed to tomorrow’s model, which I personify.
Yes, I’m tomorrow’s man. Get a load of this speech I’ve written in anticipation:
Firstly, I wish to pay tribute to former Prime Minister Abbott who tragically hanged himself with copper wire, a suicide which I personally oversaw. In this the year of 2021, as President Malcolm Turnbull, I proudly announce the completion of the NBN – my fantastic concept of rolling out high-speed optic fibre cable to 93 per cent of homes, schools and business across Australia, with satellite and fixed wireless networks servicing the remaining seven per cent. I now officially proclaim the Constitution of the Republic of Australia with its revolutionary provisions. Particularly noteworthy are the legalisation of gay marriage and the introduction of a market-based carbon emissions trading scheme. Furthermore, I have authorised that all clocks across this nation resume revolving in a clockwise direction and that progressive thinking be re-instated to its former glory, according to the holy scriptures of Saint Malcolm of Wentworth, who was recently canonised at the Royal Vaucluse Yacht Club.
Operator, it’s been so nice talking to you. Operator! Operator! Operator!
Don’t tell me you’ve put me on hold. You have! I asked you not to tell me that! That’s a funny line from Get Smart – a new TV series where a secret agent called Maxwell Smart has a mobile phone in his shoe. Imagine that! – a mobile phone with no cords or operators.
I don’t think you understand me or like me after all, putting me on hold like that. Suppose you lied about it being 2014, you neo-Luddite Liberal.
While I have you, book a wake-up call for yesterday morning at 5 am. I have an early appointment with my mirror. I need time for reflection on my future.
That flagpole cost four million dollars plus. All that public money just to hold up a piece of cloth. Such a terrible waste.
I admit it was Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser who commissioned the new Parliament House with that phallic symbol. Rather apt for an arrogant prick like him to epitomize himself on a grandiose scale. He’s a turncoat Liberal deserter.
Speaking of grandiose, I know Australians hate grandiosity, including big words like that. Anything grandiose or high-flown, like that flagpole makes them cringe.
Ah yes, the great Australian cringe. That’s the secret of my success. Australians love to cringe.
That’s why I’m PM. I am fantastic cringe material. I make Australians cringe. I make them feel so uncomfortable having me as prime minister. They cringe so much that they love me. If they love to cringe and I make them cringe, they must love me. It’s perfect logic.
Which brings me to the reason I have called this press conference.
You are all aware of a document leaked by my department that exposes my scheme, which I cannot reveal because it is the subject of an internal investigation. However, I can reveal that it relates to a plan to make Australians cringe to unprecedented degrees. And yes, it does involve dismantling that flagpole.
Might I say however, that nothing could be more Abbottesque to adorn Capital Hill than me, my Speedos and a giant Hills Hoist. And the Union Jack of course – would be un-Australia to ignore that. Australians will love me for it.
I suspect the leak culprit is Peta Credlin, my chief of staff who thought my idea was ridiculous – too cringe-worthy for my own good, she told me. How ridiculous to call me ridiculous. I’m the expert on cringeworthiness. She thinks my ego is out of control.
She does not realise that my ego and the great Australian cringe are a match made in heaven.
When you journos write your columns, please make your readers cringe. If you don’t, my grandiose gesture to the people of Australia might never eventuate. That would be such a terrible waste.
Order! Order! Order! Order! The Opposition Member for Thingumajig and the Opposition Member for Jiggamatite will resume their seats. Park your arses! This house needs some decorum and as sure as I’m a big ‘L’ Liberal, I’m going to make sure it happens – our way – our holier than thou way – which sure as hell entitles us to be absolute pricks and get away with it.
In this role as Speaker, I honour my pledge to act impartially. I mean to be impartial and I’m mean too, so watch out you ridiculous rabble on the left.
Order! Order! Order! Order! Infectious laughter will not be tolerated. I intend to be taken seriously. The Opposition Member for Shenanigans will leave the chamber for calling me an FNTV. The Manager of Opposition Business, Tony Burke will apologise for calling me biased and incompetent. How could I be biased or incompetent? I’m just an FNTV.
I call on the Leader of the House, Christopher Pyne to snot Mr Burke for castigating me for allegedly, improperly, allegedly using my private dining room for an alleged Liberal party fundraiser. Mr Burke will then leave the chamber under Standing Order I8U.
I am presently attending to important business in another chamber and will resume the chair in 10 minutes. Damn! There’s no toilet paper.
The Labor Member for Shemozzle will leave the chamber for wetting herself from laughter. Such impropriety will not be tolerated.
That’s the last time I use CCTV for doing my business.
I’m a billionaire. I bought my way into parliament. I can say and do whatever I want – wherever I want – my way. I’ve taken my special brand of hot-headedness to heights never before seen in Australian politics.
Here’s the gist of some of my greatest rants:
The Chinese are mongrels who shoot their own people and haven’t got a justice system.
The Chinese government wants to bring workers here to destroy our wage system – they want to take over our ports and get our resources for free.
Rupert Murdoch’s wife Wendy Deng is a Chinese spy. She’s been spying on Rupert for years, giving money back to Chinese intelligence.
There’s been global warming for a long time. All of Ireland was covered by ice at one time. There were no human inhabitants in Ireland. That’s part of the natural cycle.
Nature needs to pull its own weight when it comes to carbon reduction.
I can get a group of scientists together and pay them whatever I want, to come up with whatever solution I want. (on climate change)
The Greens and Greenpeace are funded by the CIA and the Rockefellers to further United States interests. The US funds environmental group Greenpeace via the CIA to undermine Australia’s coal mining sector. Greens campaigner Drew Hutton is a tool of the US government and Rockefeller, and so are the Greens.
Queensland Premier Campbell Newman should be thrown in jail for not reporting corruption allegations against me sooner.
My dear old Aunt Gertrude once told me, “Clive my boy, one day you will be the biggest, stupidest gasbag of a nincompoop Australia has ever known.” Ever since then, I have humbly tried to live up to her expectations. Dear old Gertie – God bless her soul – I’m sure she would be proud if she could see me now. I have nincompooped my way into more deep shit than Titanic II could get through if it was stuck up that creek without a paddle.
“Sincerity is the key to success. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.”
“He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”
George Bernard Shaw
“I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.”
“Today’s public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can’t read them either.”
“Imbroglio ~ confusing and complicated situation.”
“I stand, despite all logic or reason, in a political imbroglio with the Senate. I’m accused of bookending myself with insincerity, cynicism, ignorance, stigma and even illiteracy – what an indictment on an education minister. Yes, I’m verrrry interesting – but stupid.”
“Verrrry interesting – but stupid.”
~ Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In
“Gender inequality has been a driver of the women’s movement for many years; and economic inequality is inextricable linked with gender inequality. The equity principle at the heart of the women’s movement has a particular relevance today, in a world characterised by rising economic inequality.”
This is an extract of a speech made by Tanya Plibersek MP, Deputy Leader of the Opposition, Shadow Minister for Foreign Affairs and International Development, and Member for Sydney at the National Labor Women’s Conference on 2 August 2014.
She’s obviously a smart-arse bitch with reffo parents who came from some place called Slovenia. That’s somewhere near Wogland isn’t it? She got a free uni education cos Gough gave it to her at taxpayers’ expense. All that tax I had to pay cos I got sprung by the Tax Office paid for her education. Apparently she worked for a Domestic Violence Unit. I think I like her after all. Any one who promotes domestic violence is a friend of mine. My missus hasn’t got any fancy titles. I just call her cook or shagger and that’s all she’s good for – apart from my beer money. She gets that from working for bugger-all at a women’s refuge. She reckons women are oppressed. What does that mean?
By Rodney Redneck
Dear Rodney – suggest you have a look at this video. It’s an interview with the head of the new domestic violence task force, Dame Quentin Bryce talking about this growing national scourge.