Australian Federal Police have raided the parliament house gift shop. The raid followed a call to 2UE’s whisper line by an anonymous tipster citing inside knowledge and details of a plan by a group of “face-covered Moslems” to disrupt parliament. The call was heard by Channel 9, whose film crew promptly notified the AFP, then made a beeline for Capital Hill. Sound familiar? Deja vu?
Shop manager Flossie Fairweather politely informed the heavily armed anti-terrorist squad that she had sold out of the offending face coverings. “I sold the last 60 to that charming group of young people barely 30 minutes ago. They said they were Moslem but they did not look like terrorists to me. I think they were heading for the public gallery in that big green room.”
The squad then stormed the House of Representatives gallery with the order, “Remove all face coverings immediately.”
Childish laughter erupted as the group of primary school children removed their Julie Bishop clown face masks. A spokeschild piped up, “We just wanted to have a bit of fun at your expense. We didn’t think you would have learnt any lessons from the Burqa ban debacle last October. You idiots. And by the way, we are not Moslem, not that it should matter one iota. And yes, it was me who phoned 2UE. It has been a pleasure to make a laughing stock of the AFP, the media and parliament. Kids rule! We are the future and don’t you forget it.”
Tony Abbott reacted angrily to the incident, “There will be no more benefit of the doubt for children seeking to harm Australia. We are a free and fair nation, but that doesn’t mean we should let bad children play us for mugs. Let me be quite clear about this. All children, I repeat, all children will now be treated as terror suspects.”
According to Flossie Fairweather, “Sales of the Julie Bishop clown face masks have soared. For fun-loving visitors to parliament house, to not wear a mask in the public galleries is as un-Australian as banning the burqa.”
Rumour has it that an outraged Julie Bishop approached Ms Fairweather, demanding that she withdraw all masks from sale. “Why don’t you wear one of these love. It will be a much better look for you.” came Flossie’s response. A gun-shy, red-faced and highly nervous AFP has kowtowed to Bishop’s demand that the incriminating CCTV footage be seized, archived and marked “Never to be released.”
Riding his bike through the corridors of parliament house, wearing his fire brigade overalls with his red speedos on the outside, donning a hard hat and safety goggles, Tony Abbott stopped a cleaner to ask for directions, “Excuse me, I can’t remember where my office is. I’ve been so busy obeying Peta – running, cycling, life-saving, fire-fighting, kissing babies, visiting factories and gallivanting around the country – that I seem to have forgotten. She sends me here, there and everywhere to keep the media distracted from the real business of prime ministership. I happily use her fail-safe scripted verbatim rhetoric ad infinitum, ad nauseam. She’s a genius. I tried to ad lib a few times with my own ideas but those gaffes made me a laughing stock. Prince Philip was the barbecue stopper of the century. So I just do what she says and follow the script. She runs the government. I call her boss. That’s how I manage to keep my job as PM. Without her I’d be stuffed. I have the political discretion of a flying pink elephant on steroids, with a pretty face, if I might say so.
The ‘cleaner’ was an unrecognised journalist by the name of Paul Kelly, who promptly gave his name. “My word you are multi-talented – a journo, singer-songwriter and a cleaner.”
A hasty shower and a “help-me-get-dressed-and-choose-a-tie-please-boss” later, Abbott addressed the National Press Club with an unread speech prepared by hers truly.
When the people of Australia elected their prime minister they got one of the fiercest political warriors ever known in the history of federal parliament. I am in command and control of this government, and I am getting on with the job of governing our country.
There is absolutely no possibility of me losing my job, despite the wishes of the majority of cabinet and backbenchers who loathe and despise me. I cannot be sacked because I am the boss. Bosses don’t sack themselves.
So Julie, hate me as much as you like. I ain’t goin’ nowhere.
And if you or Malcolm or Scott think you can get rid of me, I’ve got so much dirt on you I could leak like a sieve all day everyday for years. I’ve had my spies planted in your offices and I know you are ratting on me. I eat rats for breakfast, so watch it!
Abbott: Whoops, I seem to have the wrong document. Are there any questions? Yes, you the cleaner I was talking to earlier.
Kelly: Mr Abbott, I put it to you that you have the right document, heinously contrived as a ploy by your chief of staff to look like a mistake but, in fact to shore up her position as pseudo prime minister. What you have just blurted out makes her untouchable. I put it to you that there is an elephant in this room and its name is Peta Credlin. It was you who was elected prime minister, not her.
Abbott: When the people of Australia elected their prime minister they got one of the fiercest political warriors ever known in the history of federal parliament. I am in command and control of this government, and I am getting on with the job of governing our country.
Kelly: Mr Abbott, those are Credlin’s words not yours.
Abbott: Whatever Peta says is true and I stand by her every word. You have my word on that. I put it to you that our discussion – when I said that she runs the government – was a figment of your imagination. I deny having the political discretion of a flying pink elephant on steroids, with a pretty face, if I might say so. With my looks and her brains we are a duumvirate with the intestinal fortitude you, as a cleaner, may never see the likes of again. Better fly now. Come on boss, let’s wing it back to our office. Thank God you know the way.
Vladimir! Vladimir! It’s Ban Ki-moon. I know you’re hiding down here in one of your last economic bastions – coal. There are dead canaries everywhere. That’s proof enough. You’ve sucked the oxygen out of everything else Russian with your feudal-nationalist, anti-West policies sending your country deeper into international isolation. Why do you do it?
Your Ruble is plummeting, your inflation is spiralling, your economy is stagnating taking living standards to new lows. Your poor citizens are suffering, but they blame the West, not you, for all their woes. But you are the reason for the sanctions. We want you to change your ways, but you refuse and Russia suffers. Why do you do it?
Just because I find you impossible to understand and might make the occasional criticism, doesn’t mean I am right and you are wrong. I just don’t understand how you can be such a remorseless, oppressive, arrogant tyrant and still have 88% of Russians approving of you. Guess it must your well-oiled state-run media propaganda machine.
I know that deep down you’re just a big sookie bear with a deep-seated paranoid-schizophrenic fear of losing your honey pot of power. You need help.
I just want a nice, friendly chat about Crimea, Ukraine, Malaysian Airlines MH17 and sanctions – coal included. I want to help you, you poor fellow. I will even admit that you have been misrepresented. I have come to apologise.
Response … Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
OK then, I am left with no choice. My security council anti-Putin secret weapon, code named ‘Julie Bishop from Australia’ which just happens to be my helmet, will find you and frazzle you to death – slowly.
Response … No! No! Anything but that.
OK. If you promise to tell Julie how you manage an 88% approval rating, we will remove all sanctions. Julie’s government is making big changes to the ABC, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, and she wants some tips on how to run a media system like yours.
Did they get him? No, because Putin’s tactic of runaway aggression always works against the West. His sting worked – Ban and Julie both died of asphyxiation.
The death stare on YouTube
Link to source of illustration – column from The Sydney Morning Herald 23 August 2014.
THE DEVIL – SBS 4 JULY 2014
Foreign Minister Julie Bishop has defended the Abbott government’s asylum seeker policy after the United Nations said it was “profoundly concerned” by reports on the treatment of Tamil asylum seekers.
THE ANGEL – UNITED NATIONDS SECURITY COUNCIL 22 JULY 2014
TRANSCRIPT – ADOPTION OF RESOLUTION 2166 – FLIGHT MH17. Explanation of Vote by HE The Honourable Julie Bishop, Minister for Foreign Affairs of Australia.
“…… We must have justice. We owe it to the victims and their families to determine what happened and who was responsible……”
29 November 2012
On and on it went, question time after question time during the final week of Federal Parliament for 2012. Julie Bishop rising to her feet countless times to say, “My question is to the Prime Minister”, followed by a plethora of accusations and claims about Prime Minister Gillard’s past as a lawyer with Slater & Gordon, her involvement with then boyfriend Bruce Wilson and that infamous slush fund.
I was there in the public gallery each day and it really did become painful to listen to. Not just with Bishop’s dog-with-a-bone antics, but with Gillard’s return fire – she must have said “sleaze and smear” at least 100 times.
Julie Bishop was determined to draw blood but Gillard was as stone-like as ever, and Bishop failed – testament to the old adage: you can’t get blood out of stone.
Painful as it was, it was pure theatre and for that I loved being there. As good theatre as you will find anywhere and what’s more, it was free!
But the star of the show was undoubtedly Speaker Anna Burke. I was not alone as I giggled every time she said “The member for (such and such) will withdraw” or “The member for (such and such) will resume his (or her) seat”.
Making the likes of Christopher Pyne, Joe Hockey, Bronwyn Bishop (and Julie Bishop herself) look so helpless after rising to object to the speaker’s directives, was done so masterfully that it became humorous. They looked like naughty little school children being ticked off by their teacher.
On the other side, Anthony Albanese – who must have been a circus clown in a past life – pushed the boundaries and was given short shrift by Burke, whilst Gillard was brought into line unceremoniously when she stepped out of line.
All done with aplomb, that innate subliminal humour and that cut-through voice that would put razor blades to shame.
Anna Burke and the class of 2012 … Anna Burke was the class of 2012!