Good evening and thanks for joining us. You look ridiculous.
You need all the joining you can get. You at the ABC are falling apart. Funding cuts must be taking their toll if they employ cheap shots like you to throw cheap shots at people like me.
You are making a mockery of your role as opposition leader.
I did not come here to be insulted.
Why? Where do you normally go?
I have come here for a serious political interview, not a Marx Brothers routine. And by the way, I’ll do the gags.
With due respect Mr Shorten, it was you who started this fiasco in Marxism.
Are you accusing me of being a Marxist?
I think I am losing the will to live.
Don’t be ridiculous, let’s get down to some serious business, like why I am being cast as the least inspiring opposition leader since Alexander Downer.
Gladly, but why are you wearing those fishnet stockings and high-heels?
I am making the point that Alexander was not uninspiring, and I am just as good as him at making a complete dork of myself.
You call that inspiring do you?
And why are you exposing your bare chest and belly?
Because I want to be seen as a real man with guts.
Speaking of guts, can I get to the guts of this so-called interview?
Why are you so focused on the support of rusted-on Labor supporters and not appealing to the wider population with a fresh narrative and new ideas?
I can assure you that I’ve given those rusty Labor remnants more than the occasional spray of WD40. They have to wake up to themselves and move with the times or they can get stuffed. We need to find a new base of Labor support.
Like people who don’t watch the ABC. People who think politicians are a joke. People who think Labor is about having babies. People who don’t think. These are the people we need to attract.
And how do you propose to do that?
I’m sorry but we seem to be out of time.
Mr Shorten, that is my call, not yours.
Thank you coming. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Vladimir! Vladimir! It’s Ban Ki-moon. I know you’re hiding down here in one of your last economic bastions – coal. There are dead canaries everywhere. That’s proof enough. You’ve sucked the oxygen out of everything else Russian with your feudal-nationalist, anti-West policies sending your country deeper into international isolation. Why do you do it?
Your Ruble is plummeting, your inflation is spiralling, your economy is stagnating taking living standards to new lows. Your poor citizens are suffering, but they blame the West, not you, for all their woes. But you are the reason for the sanctions. We want you to change your ways, but you refuse and Russia suffers. Why do you do it?
Just because I find you impossible to understand and might make the occasional criticism, doesn’t mean I am right and you are wrong. I just don’t understand how you can be such a remorseless, oppressive, arrogant tyrant and still have 88% of Russians approving of you. Guess it must your well-oiled state-run media propaganda machine.
I know that deep down you’re just a big sookie bear with a deep-seated paranoid-schizophrenic fear of losing your honey pot of power. You need help.
I just want a nice, friendly chat about Crimea, Ukraine, Malaysian Airlines MH17 and sanctions – coal included. I want to help you, you poor fellow. I will even admit that you have been misrepresented. I have come to apologise.
Response … Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
OK then, I am left with no choice. My security council anti-Putin secret weapon, code named ‘Julie Bishop from Australia’ which just happens to be my helmet, will find you and frazzle you to death – slowly.
Response … No! No! Anything but that.
OK. If you promise to tell Julie how you manage an 88% approval rating, we will remove all sanctions. Julie’s government is making big changes to the ABC, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, and she wants some tips on how to run a media system like yours.
Did they get him? No, because Putin’s tactic of runaway aggression always works against the West. His sting worked – Ban and Julie both died of asphyxiation.
The death stare on YouTube