Queenslanders rejoice – it’s Barnaby Joyce!

It's all in the packaging of politics
It’s all in the packaging of politics

 

5 September 2012

Just because I opposed the sale of Cubby Station to the Chinese, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like Chinese people.

Just because I oppose foreign investment, it doesn’t mean that I am xenophobic.

Just because I oppose same-sex marriage, it doesn’t mean that I am homophobic.

Just because I am opposed to the Greens’ policies, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like environmentalists.

Just because I crossed the floor 19 times under the Howard Government, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like my Liberal counterparts.

Just because I have fiercely conservative views, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like people who disagree with me.

I know I have a prickly exterior and I admit to more than occasionally giving people the rough end of the pineapple. But on the inside, I’m as sweet as sweet.

Don’t you believe me?

Just ask my Chinese friend Duno Wong. He is homosexual. He is a member of the Liberal Party. He is an environmental campaigner. He doesn’t agree with all my views, but gets upset when people refer to me as ‘anti-China‘.

He runs the local Chinese restaurant. For some reason, some of my pineapple-growing-National Party-Barnaby Joyce-faithful friends won’t sell their pineapples to him.

I dare not scold them. I can’t afford to disappoint my supporters.

 

 

Wayne Springsteen – working class hero

Born to run for parliament
Born to run for parliament

 

1 August 2012

MUSINGS OF WAYNE SWAN

I really do have an image problem. People see me as a stuffy politician with a perfect suit, perfect hair and I really do look and sound like a party-line-script-reading robot. Just boring old Wayne the Treasurer, that’s who I am.

And the other problem: just because I have taken on Rinehart, Palmer and Forrest, the Libs say I am playing the ‘class warfare card’ – and the media is buying it. But the fruits of economic growth should reach everyone. The gap between the rich and poor is widening. I hate this inequality, but Labor has lost its working class base. Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place!

What can I do?

I need to convince the working class that I’m just like them, not boring, and that I really do care about them. Well, one truth out of three ain’t bad!

How can I sell that message? We in Labor couldn’t sell fish on Good Friday.

I know!

I’ll align myself with a real-live working class hero, then people will think I’m just like him. I could even pretend to be him – no, that’s going a bit too far – I’ll leave that for the cartoonists.

Who can I use?

The only Australian working class hero I can think of is Paul Hogan, but the Taxation Office wouldn’t like that.

Got it!

The man who inspired my political values and the man whose music I still love  – Bruce Springsteen – ‘The Boss’. His songs talk about economic inequality being the seeds of class warfare. He saw the signs of the decline of middle America long before the economists did. Bingo!

So, what I’ll do is get a video done and put it on YouTube. I’ll wear a T shirt and jeans and I’ll look like a real cool dude.

And for my speech at the John Button Memorial Lecture I’ll use ‘The Boss’ as my theme and I’ll run the video too.

That should stop all this ‘class warfare card’ crap, should win back the working class, and should make me look like a real human being after all. Problems solved! Trifecta!

Besides, Julia is on holidays so this is my chance to steal the limelight. The media is bound to give me great coverage.

This is going to do wonders for my image.

Related article and video

 

 

Beazley’s bombshell on Labor’s hopes

They don't call me Bomber Beazley for nothing
They don’t call me Bomber Beazley for nothing

 

31 July 2012

May I introduce myself? I’m Kim Beazley and as Australia’s Ambassador to the United States, I don’t comment on Australian politics, but since you asked, I would say that Labor has as much chance of winning the next election as I do of shooting an elephant in my pyjamas. I couldn’t imagine why an elephant would be wearing my pyjamas, but I’m sure they would fit OK.

And speaking of unlikely escapades, would you believe that I was once, well twice actually, the Leader of the Australian Labor Party?

I lost two elections and never got to be Prime Minister, so I am an expert on Labor doom and gloom.

I was going really well coming up to my third election campaign, until I got some names mixed up. I referred to Rove McManus, a TV host whose wife had just died, as Karl Rove, your President’s advisor at the time. Simple enough mistake to make, but Labor didn’t see it that way, so they dumped me. And that was the second time!

Err …where was I? Oh yes. I would say that it would not matter whether Labor was led by Julia Rudd or Kevin Gillard – Labor will get trounced either way. They are doomed.

A leadership change won’t make any difference. It doesn’t matter who leads the party, just like it didn’t matter who led the party when they dumped me in 2006. I had led the party to near oblivion and that little Kevin fella thought he could turn things around. Boy, was he full of himself!

And if you think I’m kicking a man when he’s down, bad luck, they did it to me. They put the party before the great Kim Beazley – twice!

So a truck-load of bombshells is what they need from me. They don’t call me Bomber Beazley for nothing!

I’m not fazed if my comments become an electorally damaging, self-fulfilling propheshy back home. Stiff chips.

Speaking of truck-loads and chips, have my fish and chips arrived?

(With apologies to Groucho Marx for the elephant gag)

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