Tagged: Queensland

QUEENSLANDERS WITNESS A CONCESSION SPEECH DELIVERED BY A DYING TOAD

NewmanToadKEOGH1000x562

Every morning, Campbell Cane Toad awoke, headed for the bathroom and kissed himself in the mirror. He then transformed into a besuited political being with the title: Premier of Queensland.

All was going well for Campbell until the 2015 landslide election when he lost his own seat, and with it his magic spell. Alas he could be humanoid no more. He was doomed, through the sorcery of the insidious LNP Panel of Evil, to become a squelched toad, with insidious consequences for the whole state. Dubbed ‘Campbell the Martyr’ by the panel, he was destined for sacrificial notoriety. The Panel of Evil was out for revenge in the wake the LNP’s statewide drubbing.

And so, on election night, stunned Queenslanders witnessed a concession speech delivered by a dying toad.

“My political career is over. I have been squelched. I am going to croak it. However, let me say it has been an absolute privilege to wreak havoc across this wonderful state in what has been an all-consuming passion for the past three years. If you think I’m on the nose, as your vote indicates, you ain’t smelt nothin’ yet!”

And with that, Queensland was slimed. Roads and railways became impassable, airports were closed, industry ground to a halt. ‘The Sunshine State’ slid to a standstill.

Then came the stench so great that Joh Bjelke-Petersen stirred from his grave gasping in awe at the devastation. “This is evil-doing on a scale I was never able to achieve in my time as a criminal lunatic corrupt premier. Oh such glory to the power of the vendetta for which I was peerless, until Campbell came along. I feel so inspired that I sense a reincarnation coming on. Don’t you worry about that.”

Eventually, Annastacia Palaszczuk and her team of Toadbusters formed a minority government and began to clean up the mess. Imploring Queenslanders to be on alert for any fresh outbreaks, the new premier launched into song:

If there’s something strange in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call? Toadbusters!
If there’s something weird and it don’t look good
Who ya gonna call? Toadbusters!

Queensland is now ‘The Fickle State’. Palaszczuk’s pitiful infantile chant was inexcusable. “Far worse than being slimed, that was an undignified attempt to make Queensland a laughing stock. Joh could do it with such dignity. Oh for a return to the glory days of Joh.” lamented an entire state.

Breaking news! The LNP Panel of Evil has recruited Joh Mark II.

George Brandis

BrandisChookKEOGH1000x1000

Senator George Brandis: ”People do have a right to be bigots, you know. In a free country people do have rights to say things that other people find offensive or insulting or bigoted.” ~ ABC

Dear The Dishonourable Attorney-General,
You are disgraceful. An infantile imbecile. Politically naive. We almost got away with making it legal to be insulting, offensive, bigoted racist pigs, until you blew our cover. You idiot. I wish you could keep your big mouth shut. You have made a meal of yourself. Hang on, there’s an idea! Why don’t you devour yourself. After all, your head does look like a cooked chook. Enjoy yourself! I’ll provide the knife and fork with relish.
Sincerely,
The Honourable Prime Minister
PS: I know you won’t be upset by this – white skins are thicker than brown.

Queenslanders rejoice – it’s Barnaby Joyce!

It's all in the packaging of politics
It’s all in the packaging of politics

 

5 September 2012

Just because I opposed the sale of Cubby Station to the Chinese, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like Chinese people.

Just because I oppose foreign investment, it doesn’t mean that I am xenophobic.

Just because I oppose same-sex marriage, it doesn’t mean that I am homophobic.

Just because I am opposed to the Greens’ policies, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like environmentalists.

Just because I crossed the floor 19 times under the Howard Government, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like my Liberal counterparts.

Just because I have fiercely conservative views, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like people who disagree with me.

I know I have a prickly exterior and I admit to more than occasionally giving people the rough end of the pineapple. But on the inside, I’m as sweet as sweet.

Don’t you believe me?

Just ask my Chinese friend Duno Wong. He is homosexual. He is a member of the Liberal Party. He is an environmental campaigner. He doesn’t agree with all my views, but gets upset when people refer to me as ‘anti-China‘.

He runs the local Chinese restaurant. For some reason, some of my pineapple-growing-National Party-Barnaby Joyce-faithful friends won’t sell their pineapples to him.

I dare not scold them. I can’t afford to disappoint my supporters.