QUEENSLANDERS WITNESS A CONCESSION SPEECH DELIVERED BY A DYING TOAD

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Every morning, Campbell Cane Toad awoke, headed for the bathroom and kissed himself in the mirror. He then transformed into a besuited political being with the title: Premier of Queensland.

All was going well for Campbell until the 2015 landslide election when he lost his own seat, and with it his magic spell. Alas he could be humanoid no more. He was doomed, through the sorcery of the insidious LNP Panel of Evil, to become a squelched toad, with insidious consequences for the whole state. Dubbed ‘Campbell the Martyr’ by the panel, he was destined for sacrificial notoriety. The Panel of Evil was out for revenge in the wake the LNP’s statewide drubbing.

And so, on election night, stunned Queenslanders witnessed a concession speech delivered by a dying toad.

“My political career is over. I have been squelched. I am going to croak it. However, let me say it has been an absolute privilege to wreak havoc across this wonderful state in what has been an all-consuming passion for the past three years. If you think I’m on the nose, as your vote indicates, you ain’t smelt nothin’ yet!”

And with that, Queensland was slimed. Roads and railways became impassable, airports were closed, industry ground to a halt. ‘The Sunshine State’ slid to a standstill.

Then came the stench so great that Joh Bjelke-Petersen stirred from his grave gasping in awe at the devastation. “This is evil-doing on a scale I was never able to achieve in my time as a criminal lunatic corrupt premier. Oh such glory to the power of the vendetta for which I was peerless, until Campbell came along. I feel so inspired that I sense a reincarnation coming on. Don’t you worry about that.”

Eventually, Annastacia Palaszczuk and her team of Toadbusters formed a minority government and began to clean up the mess. Imploring Queenslanders to be on alert for any fresh outbreaks, the new premier launched into song:

If there’s something strange in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call? Toadbusters!
If there’s something weird and it don’t look good
Who ya gonna call? Toadbusters!

Queensland is now ‘The Fickle State’. Palaszczuk’s pitiful infantile chant was inexcusable. “Far worse than being slimed, that was an undignified attempt to make Queensland a laughing stock. Joh could do it with such dignity. Oh for a return to the glory days of Joh.” lamented an entire state.

Breaking news! The LNP Panel of Evil has recruited Joh Mark II.

George Brandis

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Senator George Brandis: ”People do have a right to be bigots, you know. In a free country people do have rights to say things that other people find offensive or insulting or bigoted.” ~ ABC

Dear The Dishonourable Attorney-General,
You are disgraceful. An infantile imbecile. Politically naive. We almost got away with making it legal to be insulting, offensive, bigoted racist pigs, until you blew our cover. You idiot. I wish you could keep your big mouth shut. You have made a meal of yourself. Hang on, there’s an idea! Why don’t you devour yourself. After all, your head does look like a cooked chook. Enjoy yourself! I’ll provide the knife and fork with relish.
Sincerely,
The Honourable Prime Minister
PS: I know you won’t be upset by this – white skins are thicker than brown.

Bob Katter – TRUE GRIT OR NITWIT?

With apologies to John Wayne
With apologies to John Wayne

25 January 2013

John Wayne often portrayed larger than life cowboy characters who were quintessential heroes in white hats. Wayne was known for his conservative values and repeatedly expressed a personal distaste for homosexuality.

Kind of brings Bob Katter to mind doesn’t it? Although the hero aspect is highly questionable. We can ascribe his larger than life status to his boofhead. “If I wasn’t a boofhead, no one would know who I was” are indeed Katter’s own words as cited in a Sydney Morning Herald column by Phillip Thomson.

In this column, online opinion writer Tory Shepherd is quoted: ”Bob Katter wants a return to some mythical Wild West frontier land where decisions are made at 10 paces, gays are chased out of town with their pants around their ankles, and they kindly let the natives work the plantations”

Kind of reinforces the parallel, doesn’t it?

On 24 January 2013, following comments equating homosexuality with pedophilia made by two dumped Katter’s Australian Party candidates, Bob Katter appeared on Network Ten’s The Project. When pressed by host Charlie Pickering for his views, Katter unskilfully shirked and sidestepped the issues.

The Australian, 25 January, reported on Bob Katter’s appearance on The Project and also gave some Katter background snippets.

Enter John Wayne, aka Rooster Cogburn from the 1969 western film True Grit, with some of his notable quotes from that movie.

Are you ready Rooster? Here we go …

BOB Katter has refused to repudiate comments equating homosexuality with pedophilia made by two dumped Katter’s Australian Party candidates.

The normally outspoken federal MP has refused to say whether he agreed with Bernard Gaynor and Tess Corbett, whose KAP memberships were yesterday suspended for arguing gays should be banned from working with children.

Rooster Cogburn: So I won’t shoot my foot off.

“These issues are not relevant to what I am about in politics,” he told Network Ten’s The Project last night.

Rooster Cogburn: Young fella, if you’re looking for trouble, I’ll accommodate you. Otherwise, leave it alone … you get cross ways of me and you’ll think a thousand of bricks have fell on you!

Mr Katter said “I don’t know and I don’t care” when asked about the future of Mr Gaynor, who was vying for a spot on KAP’s Queensland Senate ticket for this year’s federal election.

Rooster Cogburn: I ought to paddle your rump!

He said he was concerned by the problem of suicide by farmers but clashed with interviewers when he played down the issue of suicide by gay and lesbian Australians.

“I am not aware of a single person of that persuasion committing suicide amongst the people in Queensland,” he said.

(Even Rooster Cogburn would have been speechless at the insensitivity of this.)

At the time he was interviewed, Mr Gaynor’s KAP membership was still current. Victorian candidate Tess Corbett had earlier withdrawn her bid to run in the House of Representatives seat of Wannon.

Rooster Cogburn: By God. She reminds me of me.

The party later issued a statement saying it would not be used by candidates to talk up their “personal preoccupations”.

Rooster Cogburn: I never shot nobody I didn’t have to.

Mr Katter is on record as being anti-gay, once saying he would “walk backwards from Bourke to Brisbane” if a homosexual could be found living in his north Queensland seat of Kennedy.

Rooster Cogburn: Backward. I always go backward when I’m backin’ away.

But he tempered his position last May, telling the Sydney Writers’ Festival that he regretted the KAP had run anti-gay ads during the Queensland election. Mr Katter’s gay half-brother Carl condemned the campaign ads as offensive.

Rooster Cogburn: (Brother), I was born game and I intend to go out that way.

Question: Bob Katter – TRUE GRIT or NITWIT?

Answer: If you live in Katter’s electorate of Kennedy, the answer is apparently: TRUE GRIT

 

Queenslanders rejoice – it’s Barnaby Joyce!

It's all in the packaging of politics
It’s all in the packaging of politics

 

5 September 2012

Just because I opposed the sale of Cubby Station to the Chinese, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like Chinese people.

Just because I oppose foreign investment, it doesn’t mean that I am xenophobic.

Just because I oppose same-sex marriage, it doesn’t mean that I am homophobic.

Just because I am opposed to the Greens’ policies, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like environmentalists.

Just because I crossed the floor 19 times under the Howard Government, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like my Liberal counterparts.

Just because I have fiercely conservative views, it doesn’t mean that I don’t like people who disagree with me.

I know I have a prickly exterior and I admit to more than occasionally giving people the rough end of the pineapple. But on the inside, I’m as sweet as sweet.

Don’t you believe me?

Just ask my Chinese friend Duno Wong. He is homosexual. He is a member of the Liberal Party. He is an environmental campaigner. He doesn’t agree with all my views, but gets upset when people refer to me as ‘anti-China‘.

He runs the local Chinese restaurant. For some reason, some of my pineapple-growing-National Party-Barnaby Joyce-faithful friends won’t sell their pineapples to him.

I dare not scold them. I can’t afford to disappoint my supporters.