Happy International Women’s Day!

Poster by the Blue Mountains Women’s Health and Resource Centre
Poster from the Blue Mountains Women’s Health and Resource Centre

Blue Mountains Women’s Health and Resource Centre – click here 

10 March 2014

As usual, she (who for the purpose of this report wants to be called Helen) enters the kitchen at 7 am to prepare the kids’ breakfast and cut their lunches. She greets the three boys with her usual cheery “Morning” and gets the usual grunt in unison, “Whatever”. Their eyes stay glued to their iphones.

They don’t notice that today she is not wearing her usual black business suit. She is wearing a short pink skirt, knee-high white boots and instead of her briefcase, has a large bag stuffed with pink balloons and streamers – and a tape recorder.

The boys blithely collect their lunches – not a word – no eye contact – and head off to catch the school bus. One returns to say, “Dad has slashed your tyres again.”

The Intervention Order she has taken out against her ex is a useless piece of paper, she muses.

Being a single, unprotected, unappreciated mother is tough.

She makes a cup of coffee and skims through Saturday’s paper, taking time to read about that day being International Women’s Day, which she well knew and still plans to celebrate, even though it is now Monday.

She calls a cab to take her to work for just a half day. Her hours have been cut back. She had applied for an in-house promotion for the top job but was beaten by a younger, less qualified and less experienced male.

And now the bank is foreclosing on her for unmet mortgage payments.

She arrives at work where she is the only female. At the sight of her outfit – as she expects – she gets cat-calls and uncouth remarks, most notably from the boss who says “What are you doing after work sweetie, making a bit of extra money on the side, or should I say on your back. Must say you were pretty good at the Christmas party, but you were too drunk to remember.”

She gets on with her usual work until her early knock-off time. Then she starts adorning the office with those pink balloons and streamers, happily chanting ‘Happy International Women’s Day.”

The boss is outraged and demands she take them down.

In recent months she has overheard him boast about his extra marital affairs and has used a concealed voice recorder. Today she has used it to record his uncouth comment. She produces the recorder and plays it to him. She then picks up her phone to call his wife.

The boss is a lather of sweat and pleads with her to reconsider. She puts the phone down and says, “Only if you give me my rightful job … your job”

He agrees on the basis she does not say a word to his wife. She agrees – with a smirk – then demands a bribe of $10,000 – just enough to bring her mortgage payments up to date.

With that accomplished, and a personal cheque for $10,000 in her pocket, she leaves the office and heads for the bank – the one that is threatening to foreclose – still with a good supply of balloons and streamers. She is planning a party. After all, there’s no law against having a party in a bank – is there?

The police will surely say, “Nothing we can do about it” which is all they are capable of saying in her experience. Unless she has a witness, but violent ex’s are too smart for that.

Once inside the bank, she sets about decorating the branch with balloons and steamers, whilst chanting over and over: “Happy International Women’s Day, Mr Manager.”

She then takes out her CD player and Helen Reddy’s I Am Woman blares. (YouTube)

She then goes to her chosen teller (who for the purpose of this report wants to be called Stella) to deposit the cheque. Stella is the wife of Helen’s boss and notices the name of the drawer. Stella looks shocked and then without a word – as per the agreement with her former boss – Helen hands over the tape recorder, which happens to contain proof that Helen’s ex- husband, who happens to be the bank manager, took advantage of the inebriated Stella at the bank’s Christmas party.

Within one hour, Stella has taken the voice recording to the HR manager, who happens to be a woman, at head office. The manager is summarily dismissed and Stella is appointed manager. Helen’s foreclosure proceedings are annulled.

The now-ex-manager had foolishly called the police in response to Helen’s revelry. The police officers, who happen to be women, say simply, “ Nothing we can do about it. There’s no law against having a party in a bank.”

Helen asserts that he has slashed her tyres for the fourth time, to which he – now a dribbling mess – replies, “I’ve only done it three times.” He is arrested.

Stella, now back at the branch, accompanies Helen entertaining the bank patrons with a rousing rendition of I Am Woman, which is posted on social media and goes viral.

Next morning, as usual, she (Helen) enters the kitchen at 7am to prepare the kids’ breakfast and cut their lunches. She greets the three boys with her usual cheery “Morning” and gets the unusual exclamation in unison, “Mum, you’re a legend”. Their eyes stay glued to their iPhones – in disbelief – and admiration.

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY … FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE YOUR OWN FUTURE.

Related articles:

The Guardian
Saturday 8 March 2014
‘International Women’s Day marchers take to the streets of Sydney’
~ Coverage of IWD with explanation of ‘Zoe’s Law’
Click here

The Age
Saturday 8 March 2014
‘Dancing on the glass ceiling on International Women’s Day’
~ Opinion piece by Suzy Freeman-Greene
Click here

 

 

 


Sir Mitchell Johnson? Be warned, knighthoods may come back!

In case you are wondering, the ball has been redesigned to incorporate the Medal of British Knighthood
In case you are wondering, the ball has been redesigned to incorporate the Medal of British Knighthood

 

Boxing Day 2013

Dear Mr Abbott,

I was watching ABC TV’s News Breakfast this morning when presenters Beverley O’Connor and Paul Kennedy suggested that Mitchell Johnson should be knighted. I thought,
“ This idea has great possibilities. I should tell Tony. He’ll love it. He needs someone like me to get back on track.”

I’ve heard you are a royalist and a populist – I think that means you like to be popular – so you will find this idea irresistible. I know you are very good at telling Australians how they should think, but now it’s my turn to give you a dose of your own medicine. Believe me, it’s for your own good. I’ve also heard that you got to be PM by being a populist – guess you really like to be popular!

Seems you are not doing too well in the polls at the moment. Some dare to say you lack fresh ideas. Well, the moment has arrived for you to turn this around. You will be more popular than even I am.

Bring knighthoods back!

Australians, such as myself , want to be recognised with royalty-like status as true-blue, dinky-di, fair-dinkum Australians – not hoity-toity, intellectual, do-gooders. Leave AC’s to those twits – they can just be Companions – not Sirs and Dames.

Do you get it? Sirs and Dames can only be real Aussie icons – past, present and future – even posthumourously – I mean if they are dead.

Australians will love it!

The Queen or King, whoever she or he might be, would be delighted to come over to do the ceremonial honours. I reckon it should be done in the middle of the MCG just before the toss on Boxing Day.

And even better for you – thanks for my brainwave – it would kill off any chance of us ever becoming a republic. Imagine a future Sir Mitchell Johnson having to suffer the indignity of being a mere Mitchell Johnson AC. No future government would be game to drop these knighthoods, or its allegiance – that’s a big word isn’t it! I learnt it yesterday – to Her or His Majesty. Australia would be revolting!

I’ve even got some great suggestions on who should get the nod and why:

SPORT

Sir Shane Warne for services to cricket

Sir Michael Clarke for services to sledging

Sir David Boon for services to beer

Sir Mark Waugh for services to bookmakers

Sir Merv Hughes for services to moustaches

Sir Bill Lawry for services to pigeons … and beaks

Sir Dennis Lillee for services to kickboxing (with Javed Miandad)

Sir Trevor Chappell for services to underarm bowling (and Australia-New Zealand relations)

Sir Kevin Sheedy for services to jacket waving

Sir Mick Malthouse for services to niceness

Sir James Hird for services to the Essendon Football Club

Sir Stephen Bradbury for services to “doing a Bradbury”

Sir Greg Norman for services to the American accent

Sir Lleyton Hewitt for services to “come on!”

Sir Mark “Frosty” Winterbottom for services to nicknames

Sir Ted Whitten for services to ‘sticking it up ‘em”

ENTERTAINMENT & MEDIA

Sir Richie Benaud for services to the number “two”

Sir Kerry O’Keefe for services to giggling

Sir Bert Newton for services to the hair loss industry

Sir Peter Garrett for services to hair loss

Sir Molly Meldrum for services to hats

Sir Eddy McGuire for services to the racism debate (and King Kong)

Sir John Elliott for services to pigs’ arses

Sir Kyle Sandilands for services to sexism

Sir Andrew Bolt for services to freedom of speech

Sir Alan Jones for services to the chaff bag industry

Sir Tom Waterhouse for services to overexposure

Sir Sam Newman for services to women’s liberation

Sir Bruce McAvaney for services to “gee!”

Sir Michael Caton for services to Bonnie Doon

Sir Barry Humphries for services to transvestites

Sir John Farnham for services to premature retirement

Sir Derryn Hinch for (prior) services to the wine industry

Sir Paul Hogan for services to the Australian Taxation Office

Sir Reg Grundy for services to underpants

Sir Peter Harvey for services to “Cannbbbeeerrrraaa”

Sir Errol Flynn for services to the unmentionable

Due to your ‘women problem’ I have not included any Dames. I didn’t want to turn you off my idea. But I would like to suggest Dame Cathy Freeman for services to running really fast – which is a big advantage for women in Australia today.

You will notice that I have not included any politicians. They are not Aussie icons in the minds of most Australians. Except for your good self who I would suggest becomes Sir Anthony Abbott for services to the sexism debate.

Yours sincerely,

Shane Warne