John Kerry – United States Secretary of State

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John Forbes Kerry (born December 11, 1943) is an American politician who is the 68th and current United States Secretary of State. He served as a United States Senator from Massachusetts from 1985 to 2013, and was chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. Kerry was the presidential nominee of the Democratic Party in the 2004 presidential election but lost to incumbent George W. Bush … Full Wikipedia profile

Mitt Romney: That’s all Folks!

That's all Folks!
That’s all Folks!

24 December 2012

I’m worried about a friend of mine. He dreamt that he ran for the presidency, and lost. He is so depressed.

Have you told him that it was just a bad dream?

Just a bad dream! How could you spend millions of dollars on a bad dream?

You look for all the world like Mitt Romney to me.

OK – I admit it – I am Mitt Romney. Guess I’ve been running away from the truth.

And when did you first notice that you were running away from your own identity?

I didn’t say I was running away from my own identity. I don’t have an identity to run away from –  that’s the truth that I am running away from. But to answer your question, it was when the election campaign began. People wanted to know just who I was. I wasn’t going to buy into that, so I concentrated on Obama-bashing. Trouble was, the electorate already knew who he was, and already knew how they were going to vote anyway. What I said didn’t make any difference. I should have focused on my own personal qualities.

And what are your personal qualities and just who are you?

I don’t know.

You don’t know! Well, do you know that your campaign agenda was empty? It ignored the needs, aspirations and concerns of most people. 

That’s not true. Most people I know are rich and they thought I did a mighty fine job. But I lost – I don’t get it.

So you are depressed because you lost. True?

How would you expect me to feel? Like Googie Withers skipping down the yellow brick road on her way to the Emerald City.

It was Judy Garland, not Googie Withers.

You can talk until your googie withers. I tell you it was Ginger Rogers.

You really do have issues with misplaced identity, don’t you?

No! The truth is, I am actually Bugs Bunny.

Why exactly did you come to see me?

I have a toothache.

Well, eat carrots. They are good for teeth.

Isn’t that a case of preaching to the converted?

That’s what you did in your campaign. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You promised tax cuts for the rich, and deregulation for corporations. Those people vote Republican anyway. You forgot about ordinary middle class families.

Have I ever told you the story about how I killed the goose that laid the golden egg?

Oh, my God!

What’s up Doc? Oh dear! I almost forgot why I came. Here are my dentures for repair.

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Fraser on US-Australia relations in ‘Asian Century’

Fraser: Less Rush - more presidential wisdom please, Mr Obama
Fraser: Less Rush – more presidential wisdom please, Mr Obama

25 September 2012 

Here is a satirical interpretation of a speech by Malcolm Fraser to the University of Melbourne’s Asialink Centre on US-Australian relations in this ‘Asian Century’.

See that kid over there. His name is America and he is the schoolyard bully.

He loves to flex his muscles and pick fights. He is really sneaky because he makes out that he is doing this for the good of the whole playground by getting rid of the ‘bad’ kids. But everyone knows he has hidden agendas.

The trouble with America is that he is not very smart, like most bullies, and he hasn’t won many fights anyway.

Once, he took on North Vietnam, but when he knew he couldn’t win, he ran away.

He tried Iraq and Afghanistan but couldn’t win those fights either.

You would think he might have learnt his lesson by now, but he hasn’t. He is so obsessed with being the ruler of the whole playground that he has decided to pick on the biggest kid in the school – China – just because he is scared that China might get too big for his boots.

America has always known that he can’t win fights all on his own. He has always sucked in other kids to help him, using all sorts of tricks. He told everyone that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. That got kids scared so they decided to help America. But Iraq didn’t have any of those weapons. I reckon America wanted Iraq’s oil. That’s what you call a hidden agenda.

Now America is using stand-over tactics on Australia to get control of the Western Pacific and South East Asia region. That’s where Australia is in the schoolyard and it’s the best place to be to pick a fight with China.

America said to Australia, “If you don’t do what I say, I won’t help you when China attacks you.” That’s what you call a stand-over tactic. So Australia agreed, even though Australia has excellent trade relations with China, and China had no intention of attacking him – but now it might if America starts a fight. Australia could get hurt.

How stupid is Australia? He was safe in the first place and had nothing to worry about. Now he isn’t safe and has got plenty to worry about.

Guess America must be smarter than I thought!

Click here for an edited extract with a link to the full speech in text and video on the Asialink site