Australian Federal Police have raided the parliament house gift shop. The raid followed a call to 2UE’s whisper line by an anonymous tipster citing inside knowledge and details of a plan by a group of “face-covered Moslems” to disrupt parliament. The call was heard by Channel 9, whose film crew promptly notified the AFP, then made a beeline for Capital Hill. Sound familiar? Deja vu?
Shop manager Flossie Fairweather politely informed the heavily armed anti-terrorist squad that she had sold out of the offending face coverings. “I sold the last 60 to that charming group of young people barely 30 minutes ago. They said they were Moslem but they did not look like terrorists to me. I think they were heading for the public gallery in that big green room.”
The squad then stormed the House of Representatives gallery with the order, “Remove all face coverings immediately.”
Childish laughter erupted as the group of primary school children removed their Julie Bishop clown face masks. A spokeschild piped up, “We just wanted to have a bit of fun at your expense. We didn’t think you would have learnt any lessons from the Burqa ban debacle last October. You idiots. And by the way, we are not Moslem, not that it should matter one iota. And yes, it was me who phoned 2UE. It has been a pleasure to make a laughing stock of the AFP, the media and parliament. Kids rule! We are the future and don’t you forget it.”
Tony Abbott reacted angrily to the incident, “There will be no more benefit of the doubt for children seeking to harm Australia. We are a free and fair nation, but that doesn’t mean we should let bad children play us for mugs. Let me be quite clear about this. All children, I repeat, all children will now be treated as terror suspects.”
According to Flossie Fairweather, “Sales of the Julie Bishop clown face masks have soared. For fun-loving visitors to parliament house, to not wear a mask in the public galleries is as un-Australian as banning the burqa.”
Rumour has it that an outraged Julie Bishop approached Ms Fairweather, demanding that she withdraw all masks from sale. “Why don’t you wear one of these love. It will be a much better look for you.” came Flossie’s response. A gun-shy, red-faced and highly nervous AFP has kowtowed to Bishop’s demand that the incriminating CCTV footage be seized, archived and marked “Never to be released.”
A hospital spokesperson has announced that Health Minister Sussan Ley has regained consciousness after being placed in an induced coma. Ms Ley is said to be in a serious but stable condition under 24 hour watch. Family and friends, keen to minimise collateral damage to her new ministership, would reveal no more than to say she suffered a “relapse” adding, “There is no need to panic. Sussan will be back at work in no time, once the lobotomy has been performed.”
It is understood that the self-confessed “recovering punk rocker from a time when it really mattered” suffered an adverse reaction to a late night encounter with Tony Abbott at a Canberra bar. Patrons, mostly fellow sadomasochists who witnessed events unfold, state that Abbott, chair and whip in hand, forced Ley into a corner demanding she repeat after him … “Ay ay Captain, I will obey your every command. I have no right to a mind of my own. I will be a puppet and you will pull the strings. I am captive to your whims and fancies whatever they might be. Under scrutiny by the media, I will defend your integrity as if my life depends on it, as indeed it will.”
An hysterical Ley refused to obey and screamed, “I’ll stick your whip handle right where the sun don’t shine.” And she did. A smiling Abbott said, ‘Thankyou very much.” Ley’s meltdown continued, kicking Abbott squarely in the crutch, shrieking, “Never mind the bollocks, here’s the Sex Pistols” in deference her beloved band’s famous album. Ley then collapsed. As if a werewolf, she shape-shifted into the punk form of her high school years with black lipstick, spiky purple hair, a dog collar, a razor blade in her ear and numerous piercings.
Abbott had exited the premises before paramedics arrived.
At a media doorstop the morning after the night before, an ashen faced and curiously bow-legged Tony Abbott declared, “It is sad that the minister relapsed into her radicalised 1970’s high school punk anti-establishment, non-conformist, gender-equalist delirium . I wish her a speedy recovery and look forward to her return to the health ministry. Her lobotomy will prove to be a great asset in her unfolding career. To have a part of one’s brain missing is not essential, but it ceratinly helps if you want to get on in my government. In fact, for my many dissenters I will make a Captain’s call and order they take Sussan’s lead and go under the knife for the sake of party unity.”
Link to related column by Bob Brown published in The Guardian on 6 March 2014
in which the former Greens’ leader cites Tony Abbott referring to the Greens as “the devil”.
Tasmania: a death warrant against pristine forests Abbott has never seen
Although 1% of Tasmanian jobs are in logging forests and 15% in tourism, the Liberals are pushing for a move infused with a destructive materialist ideology which will decimate the region.