Tagged: Federal Health Minister

‘RECOVERING PUNK ROCKER’ SUSSAN LEY RELAPSES AFTER ENCOUNTER WITH ABBOTT

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A hospital spokesperson has announced that Health Minister Sussan Ley has regained consciousness after being placed in an induced coma. Ms Ley is said to be in a serious but stable condition under 24 hour watch. Family and friends, keen to minimise collateral damage to her new ministership, would reveal no more than to say she suffered a “relapse” adding, “There is no need to panic. Sussan will be back at work in no time, once the lobotomy has been performed.”

It is understood that the self-confessed “recovering punk rocker from a time when it really mattered” suffered an adverse reaction to a late night encounter with Tony Abbott at a Canberra bar. Patrons, mostly fellow sadomasochists who witnessed events unfold, state that Abbott, chair and whip in hand, forced Ley into a corner demanding she repeat after him … “Ay ay Captain, I will obey your every command. I have no right to a mind of my own. I will be a puppet and you will pull the strings. I am captive to your whims and fancies whatever they might be. Under scrutiny by the media, I will defend your integrity as if my life depends on it, as indeed it will.”

An hysterical Ley refused to obey and screamed, “I’ll stick your whip handle right where the sun don’t shine.” And she did. A smiling Abbott said, ‘Thankyou very much.” Ley’s meltdown continued, kicking Abbott squarely in the crutch, shrieking, “Never mind the bollocks, here’s the Sex Pistols” in deference her beloved band’s famous album. Ley then collapsed. As if a werewolf, she shape-shifted into the punk form of her high school years with black lipstick, spiky purple hair, a dog collar, a razor blade in her ear and numerous piercings.

Abbott had exited the premises before paramedics arrived.

At a media doorstop the morning after the night before, an ashen faced and curiously bow-legged Tony Abbott declared, “It is sad that the minister relapsed into her radicalised 1970’s high school punk anti-establishment, non-conformist, gender-equalist delirium . I wish her a speedy recovery and look forward to her return to the health ministry. Her lobotomy will prove to be a great asset in her unfolding career. To have a part of one’s brain missing is not essential, but it ceratinly helps if you want to get on in my government. In fact, for my many dissenters I will make a Captain’s call and order they take Sussan’s lead and go under the knife for the sake of party unity.”

Plibersek lampoons Victoria over “stunts and spin”

Tanya ‘Florence’ Plibersek to the rescue: "The cash injection will be paid directly to local hospital networks ... and will not pass through the hands of the Baillieu government which has proven itself to be a cruel and incompetent manager of the Victorian health system.”
Tanya ‘Florence’ Plibersek to the rescue: “The cash injection will be paid directly to local hospital networks … and will not pass through the hands of the Baillieu government which has proven itself to be a cruel and incompetent manager of the Victorian health system.”

21 February 2013

First came the announcement of the Commonwealth’s $107 million cut to Victoria’s health funding this financial year, based on population forecasts. The cut, which coincided with the state government cutting about $123 million a year from its health budget, had caused more than 300 hospital beds to close

After scathing criticisms of the Victorian government’s management of it’s health system – “the Baillieu government which has proven itself to be a cruel and incompetent manager of the Victorian health system … has engaged in a politically-driven campaign of stunts and spin” – Federal Health Minister Tanya Pliberseck has been forced to bail-out Victoria’s hospitals.

To the rescue – Tanya Pliberseck, the lady with the lampoon aka Florence Nightingale, the lady with the lamp:

“The Victorian Government made some savage cuts to local hospitals in Victoria, and as health minister, I can’t stand by and see patients suffer. So, what we are doing is taking money that would have otherwise have gone to Victorian Treasury for a range of programs and redirecting it directly in to the hands of hospital administrators.”

As the Sydney Morning Herald reported:

Minister considers reversal of fortune for hospitals

The federal government will consider restoring $404 million cut from hospital budgets around Australia this financial year following the reversal of a cut to Victorian funding and threat from the Prime Minister to bypass state governments and fund hospitals directly.

Health minister Tanya Plibersek said Prime Minister Julia Gillard had written to other states to say she would consider restoring funding to hospitals after a readjustment of population forecast figures in October had resulted in a $404 million shortfall this financial year.

The restoration of $107 million in funding to Victoria would be made directly to hospitals, bypassing the Baillieu government.

Full SMH article including video

Tanya Pliberseck MP Media Release