Clive Palmer


I’m a billionaire. I bought my way into parliament. I can say and do whatever I want – wherever I want – my way. I’ve taken my special brand of hot-headedness to heights never before seen in Australian politics.

Here’s the gist of some of my greatest rants:

The Chinese are mongrels who shoot their own people and haven’t got a justice system.

The Chinese government wants to bring workers here to destroy our wage system – they want to take over our ports and get our resources for free.

Rupert Murdoch’s wife Wendy Deng is a Chinese spy. She’s been spying on Rupert for years, giving money back to Chinese intelligence.

There’s been global warming for a long time. All of Ireland was covered by ice at one time. There were no human inhabitants in Ireland. That’s part of the natural cycle.

Nature needs to pull its own weight when it comes to carbon reduction.

I can get a group of scientists together and pay them whatever I want, to come up with whatever solution I want. (on climate change)

The Greens and Greenpeace are funded by the CIA and the Rockefellers to further United States interests. The US funds environmental group Greenpeace via the CIA to undermine Australia’s coal mining sector. Greens campaigner Drew Hutton is a tool of the US government and Rockefeller, and so are the Greens.

Queensland Premier Campbell Newman should be thrown in jail for not reporting corruption allegations against me sooner.

My dear old Aunt Gertrude once told me, “Clive my boy, one day you will be the biggest, stupidest gasbag of a nincompoop Australia has ever known.” Ever since then, I have humbly tried to live up to her expectations. Dear old Gertie – God bless her soul – I’m sure she would be proud if she could see me now. I have nincompooped my way into more deep shit than Titanic II could get through if it was stuck up that creek without a paddle.

Rinehart’s un-Australian lament – drinking, smoking, socialising

It's her! Aiding and abetting drinking, smoking and socialising
It’s her! Aiding and abetting drinking, smoking and socialising

30 August 2012 

This piece is derived from an  ABC News article which begins:

Australia’s richest person Gina Rinehart has urged Australians to work harder and cut down on drinking, smoking and socialising if they want to become wealthy.

In her regular column in a mining industry magazine, the controversial magnate says billionaires and millionaires are doing more than anyone to help the poor by investing their money and creating jobs. The article is titled Let’s get back to our roots.

Is that Gina Rinehart behind the bar pulling beers?

Sure is! This is my second job – to make ends meet.

What happened to your $20 billion?

It has all gone. Socialist policies, high taxes and excessive regulation wiped me out. But I’m not so badly off. No, those who hurt the most when investments are killed off by taxes, green tape and socialist policies that are not friendly to business or conducive to investment, are those who usually vote for the anti-business socialist parties. And for them, the price is very high. It’s a job lost, when they have few savings, a mortgage to meet and children to clothe and feed.

That’s sad. You used to be the world’s richest woman. And you claimed to care so much about the poor.

That’s right. I always insisted that it was billionaires such as myself who were doing more than anyone to help the poor by investing our money and creating jobs. The millionaires and billionaires who choose to invest in Australia are actually those who most help the poor and our young. And you had the cheek to talk about class warfare. You didn’t help matters at all.

Well actually, I objected to you urging Australians to work harder and cut down on drinking, smoking and socialising if they want to become wealthy. I thought that was an insult to the millions of Australian workers who go to work and slog it out to feed the kids and pay the bills. Besides, I believe that the fruits of economic growth should reach everyone.

And what brings you here Mr Swan, you socialist pig?

Well, I was paralysed by my own red tape and became unemployable.

Guess we have both gotten back to our roots.

I’ll have another beer. No, not that one … PULL THE OTHER ONE!