Julie Bishop

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Vladimir! Vladimir! It’s Ban Ki-moon. I know you’re hiding down here in one of your last economic bastions – coal. There are dead canaries everywhere. That’s proof enough. You’ve sucked the oxygen out of everything else Russian with your feudal-nationalist, anti-West policies sending your country deeper into international isolation. Why do you do it?

Your Ruble is plummeting, your inflation is spiralling, your economy is stagnating taking living standards to new lows. Your poor citizens are suffering, but they blame the West, not you, for all their woes. But you are the reason for the sanctions. We want you to change your ways, but you refuse and Russia suffers. Why do you do it?

Just because I find you impossible to understand and might make the occasional criticism, doesn’t mean I am right and you are wrong. I just don’t understand how you can be such a remorseless, oppressive, arrogant tyrant and still have 88% of Russians approving of you. Guess it must your well-oiled state-run media propaganda machine.

I know that deep down you’re just a big sookie bear with a deep-seated paranoid-schizophrenic fear of losing your honey pot of power. You need help.

I just want a nice, friendly chat about Crimea, Ukraine, Malaysian Airlines MH17 and sanctions – coal included. I want to help you, you poor fellow. I will even admit that you have been misrepresented. I have come to apologise.

Besides, we need your wonderful, low sulphur, low greenhouse emission coal – and plenty of it too. Our sanctions against you are hurting us. So please come out and see reason.

Response … Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

OK then, I am left with no choice. My security council anti-Putin secret weapon, code named ‘Julie Bishop from Australia’ which just happens to be my helmet, will find you and frazzle you to death – slowly.

Response … No! No! Anything but that.

OK. If you promise to tell Julie how you manage an 88% approval rating, we will remove all sanctions. Julie’s government is making big changes to the ABC, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, and she wants some tips on how to run a media system like yours.

No response

Did they get him? No, because Putin’s tactic of runaway aggression always works against the West. His sting worked – Ban and Julie both died of  asphyxiation.

The death stare on YouTube

Joe Hockey

 

 

 

Designer sweats available from Joe Hockey’s Sydney North Shore garage on Sunday mornings before church, personally signed by the great man himself. Price $1000. All proceeds going towards the re-election of the greatest treasurer Australia has ever known – me. (What lefty smart-arse put James Baldwin in this poster?)
I will then address you, my adoring rich throng, to explain why I hate poverty and why you should too. My media critics say I am promoting class warfare, which only brings this wonderful concept into public gaze and humiliates the poor. I love my critics.
Class warfare is good for Australia. It creates wealth. Welfare is a drain on the budget that we cannot afford. Well, we can actually, but I want to make the underclass – the poor, sick, feeble and disabled – feel as guilty as hell for being social parasites.
The more they are despised for their heinous crime of receiving welfare payments, the better the chances of them get off their arses or out of their wheelchairs or their sick beds, to actually do some – wait for it – ‘heavy lifting’. I just love that now-famous quote of mine. All that money saved on welfare could go towards making the rich richer, which is already an encouraging trend. (Along with the poor getting poorer). Top-end tax cuts would be a good start.
After church, I want you all to jump in to your rich-mobiles and head to the poorest suburbs to do some serious hating. You will be doing Australia proud!

Tony Abbott

 

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AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM ME

That flagpole cost four million dollars plus. All that public money just to hold up a piece of cloth. Such a terrible waste.

I admit it was Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser who commissioned the new Parliament House with that phallic symbol. Rather apt for an arrogant prick like him to epitomize himself on a grandiose scale. He’s a turncoat Liberal deserter.

Speaking of grandiose, I know Australians hate grandiosity, including big words like that. Anything grandiose or high-flown, like that flagpole makes them cringe.

Ah yes, the great Australian cringe. That’s the secret of my success. Australians love to cringe.

That’s why I’m PM. I am fantastic cringe material. I make Australians cringe. I make them feel so uncomfortable having me as prime minister. They cringe so much that they love me. If they love to cringe and I make them cringe, they must love me. It’s perfect logic.

Which brings me to the reason I have called this press conference.

You are all aware of a document leaked by my department that exposes my scheme, which I cannot reveal because it is the subject of an internal investigation. However, I can reveal that it relates to a plan to make Australians cringe to unprecedented degrees. And yes, it does involve dismantling that flagpole.

Might I say however, that nothing could be more Abbottesque to adorn Capital Hill than me, my Speedos and a giant Hills Hoist. And the Union Jack of course – would be un-Australia to ignore that. Australians will love me for it.

I suspect the leak culprit is Peta Credlin, my chief of staff who thought my idea was ridiculous – too cringe-worthy for my own good, she told me. How ridiculous to call me ridiculous. I’m the expert on cringeworthiness. She thinks my ego is out of control.

She does not realise that my ego and the great Australian cringe are a match made in heaven.

When you journos write your columns, please make your readers cringe. If you don’t, my grandiose gesture to the people of Australia might never eventuate. That would be such a terrible waste.

Christine Milne

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Over the hill they go, killing another mountain
Gotta fill the quota – can’t go slow
Huge machinery wiping out the scenery
One big swipe like a shearer’s blow
Rip rip woodchip – turn it into paper
Throw it in the bin, no news today
Stirs my blood – gonna make a stand
~ Lyrics in part from John Williamson’s hit ‘Rip Rip Woodchip’
Full lyrics
See it on YouTube
27  October 2010 ~
Media release authorised by Christine Milne:
BOB BROWN TO INDUCT JOHN WILLIAMSON INTO A.R.I.A. HALL OF FAME
Release in full

Murdoch’s media monopoly miasma

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Links to related articles:

The Aim Network 30 July 2014:

Media mogul Murdoch is buying a Conservative alternate universe

The Abbott Government is leading Australia down America’s path on a range of social and economic issues, and holding the reigns is Rupert Murdoch.

On Line Opinion 11 June 2014:

Democracy and diversity: media ownership in Australia

…… Rupert Murdoch, the founder and CEO of News Corp, used the media to sway” voters with headlines such as: “Australia needs Tony” and “Kick this Mob [Labor] Out”.