A hospital spokesperson has announced that Health Minister Sussan Ley has regained consciousness after being placed in an induced coma. Ms Ley is said to be in a serious but stable condition under 24 hour watch. Family and friends, keen to minimise collateral damage to her new ministership, would reveal no more than to say she suffered a “relapse” adding, “There is no need to panic. Sussan will be back at work in no time, once the lobotomy has been performed.”

It is understood that the self-confessed “recovering punk rocker from a time when it really mattered” suffered an adverse reaction to a late night encounter with Tony Abbott at a Canberra bar. Patrons, mostly fellow sadomasochists who witnessed events unfold, state that Abbott, chair and whip in hand, forced Ley into a corner demanding she repeat after him … “Ay ay Captain, I will obey your every command. I have no right to a mind of my own. I will be a puppet and you will pull the strings. I am captive to your whims and fancies whatever they might be. Under scrutiny by the media, I will defend your integrity as if my life depends on it, as indeed it will.”

An hysterical Ley refused to obey and screamed, “I’ll stick your whip handle right where the sun don’t shine.” And she did. A smiling Abbott said, ‘Thankyou very much.” Ley’s meltdown continued, kicking Abbott squarely in the crutch, shrieking, “Never mind the bollocks, here’s the Sex Pistols” in deference her beloved band’s famous album. Ley then collapsed. As if a werewolf, she shape-shifted into the punk form of her high school years with black lipstick, spiky purple hair, a dog collar, a razor blade in her ear and numerous piercings.

Abbott had exited the premises before paramedics arrived.

At a media doorstop the morning after the night before, an ashen faced and curiously bow-legged Tony Abbott declared, “It is sad that the minister relapsed into her radicalised 1970’s high school punk anti-establishment, non-conformist, gender-equalist delirium . I wish her a speedy recovery and look forward to her return to the health ministry. Her lobotomy will prove to be a great asset in her unfolding career. To have a part of one’s brain missing is not essential, but it ceratinly helps if you want to get on in my government. In fact, for my many dissenters I will make a Captain’s call and order they take Sussan’s lead and go under the knife for the sake of party unity.”