PRINCE CHARLES
VLADIMIR PUTIN
“WE KNOW HE IS A FIZZ OF A WIZ, IF EVER A FIZZ THERE WAS, BECAUSE BECAUSE … “
We’re off we’re off the Wizard, The wonderless Wizard of Oz
He’s turned us off, We’ve done a U turn, And this is what we say
We know he is a Fizz of a Wiz, If ever a Fizz there was
If ever oh ever a Fizz there was, The Wizard of Oz is one because
Because because because, Because he’s not who he said he was
He promised no broken promises, But look at what we got
He promised no nasty surprises, But look at what we got
He’s dead in the water and so he oughta, As far as we’re concerned
Because because because, Because all decency he has spurned
When he was in opposition, He stated his noble position
When he became prime minister, He then became quite sinister
BILL THE CONSENSUS CEPHALOPOD: “I AM NOT AN OCTOPUS SHORT OF AN ARM”
As a CSIRO marine scientist examined a tragic creature, a seven-armed octopus discovered in a load of baloney by an abalone diver just off Dunder Heads, he mused, “Could this be the discovery of a new species, a heptopus, or has this tragic met with foul play?”
Scientist: You appear to be an octopus short of an arm.
Creature: I will admit that I am akin to a sandwich short of a picnic, a can short of a slab and a village short of an idiot when I’m out of town. Yes, I accept that I am an opposition leader short of a policy platform. But, but, but I am not willing to accept that I am an octopus short of an arm.
‘I’LL DO THE GAGS’ SHORTEN: ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF BEING A MARXIST?
Good evening and thanks for joining us. You look ridiculous.
You need all the joining you can get. You at the ABC are falling apart. Funding cuts must be taking their toll if they employ cheap shots like you to throw cheap shots at people like me.
You are making a mockery of your role as opposition leader.
I did not come here to be insulted.
Why? Where do you normally go?
I have come here for a serious political interview, not a Marx Brothers routine. And by the way, I’ll do the gags.
With due respect Mr Shorten, it was you who started this fiasco in Marxisms.
Are you accusing me of being a Marxist?
I think I am losing the will to live.
MALCOLM TURNBULL – BACK TO THE FUTURE
Hello my dear Liberal Party switchboard operator. Please put me through to NBN Co – that’s the National Broadband Network Company – if my carrier pigeon didn’t arrive there 30 minutes ago.
No need to get smart with me! I know broadband hasn’t been invented yet. I’m trying to get back to the future.
I hate being yesterday’s man. I’m a social progressive. I’m a republican. I believe in gay marriage. I’m social media savvy. And you should see the way I dress. But here I am stuck in the past, in this party that makes time go backwards – ever since I lost control, that is.
Did you say, “Lost control of your senses”?
Tanya Plibersek speaks up about gender inequality
Tanya Plibersek will not be silenced on the issue of gender inequality
“Gender inequality has been a driver of the women’s movement for many years; and economic inequality is inextricable linked with gender inequality. The equity principle at the heart of the women’s movement has a particular relevance today, in a world characterised by rising economic inequality.”
This is an extract of a speech made by Tanya Plibersek MP, Deputy Leader of the Opposition, Shadow Minister for Foreign Affairs and International Development, and Member for Sydney at the National Labor Women’s Conference on 2 August 2014.
Introducing Rodney Redneck next page …
Scott Morrison hits back at UN criticism on refugees
Immigration Minister Scott Morrison has hit back at UN criticism of Australia’s treatment of asylum seekers
Morrison hits back:
Actual quote: “The most flagrant abuse of human rights I am aware of is the beheading and crucifying of people in Syria and Iraq, where Australia is seeking to relieve the humanitarian crisis.”
Detainees:
Possible response: Small consolation Mr Morrison. We would prefer to be beheaded and put out of our misery, rather than suffer this endless torture. Come on, be humane. Relieve our humanitarian crisis. Decapitate us! That’ll do your party the world of good in the polls. Those polls which are the reason we are here.
Morrison:
Actual quote on record: “My Christian faith remains the driving force for my family, beliefs and values.”
Possible follow-on reply to detainees: I regret to inform you whingeing pack of heathens that my Christian faith prohibits me from having you decapitated. However, your invitation does have one particularly appealing feature. It would get the UN Committee on Torture off my back for causing you – “serious physical and mental suffering” – as they claim. I can’t be accused of torturing dead people, can I? I’ll have a chat with our party pollsters and see what they think. I’ll let you know how I get on. Regards, Scott.
ABC News: New UN Human Rights chief criticises Australia’s asylum seeker policy ….
See ABC column
SBS News: Morrison hits back at UN criticism of Australia’s treatment of asylum seekers