PRE-ELECTION
The 2025 election is looming, and you have not delivered on key environmental promises from the last election.
That’s right. In fact, we have gone backwards on climate. Labor has approved new and expanded coal mines and gas fields, and Australia is progressing as one of the world’s biggest carbon exporters.
And we are getting away with it – our polling shows no electoral backlash. That’s pretty impressive, don’t you think?
So, when you made those election promises, you knew damn well they weren’t going to happen.
Listen here. I’m a politician, and a very cunning one at that. People turn a blind eye to broken promises if it suits them. Voter apathy is a wonderful thing for pollies, and apathy about climate action is alive and well amongst Australians, God bless them!
Does it not occur to you that other nations burning our fossil fuels will damage our own at-risk environment, through climate change?
If people want to feel all warm and fuzzy about the environment, they can go to a fauna park and cuddle a koala. They can leave the business side of things to me.
By that, you mean with your friends in the fossil fuel sector – the lobby that has you wrapped around its little finger.
Listen here. Australia’s modern-day wealth has come from big business digging and drilling holes, and shipping the extracts overseas. We should be grateful to these people.
So, you have no environmental conscience at all.
Better fly. I’m off to the local ALP branch for a galah event. Squawk!
POST-ELECTION
The very same galah returns to the very same window sill to meet the very same journalists – how convenient for the writer!
Congratulations on your stunning landslide election win.
Thank you. My word, I ran a brilliant campaign.
You do realise that many voters who are worried about climate change, voted Labor because the Coalition was a worse option.
Yes, and I thank them very much.
We hope your huge mandate does not go to your head. You would never want to be accused of blatant abuse of power by playing favourites with your friends in the fossil fuel sector, would you?Have you stopped playing favourites?
No, I wouldn’t and yes, I have.
So, you have played favourites in the past!
I didn’t say that.
Labor’s first major environmental priority is a decision on Woodside’s application to extend its North-West shelf gas project to 2070.
Yes, that’s true.
Allowing Woodside’s massive gas export terminal to run for another 46 years would mean 4.3 billion tonnes of greenhouse gas emissions, equivalent to the air pollution of 12 new coal-fired power stations each year.
Yes, that’s true
Requests for reconsideration by key environmental groups have been knocked back by your Environment Minister, Murray Watt. Environmentalists are deeply suspicious of both you and Watt. They believe the decision to approve the extension has already been secretly made.
You will have to wait until the 31st of May for the decision announcement.
Soon after the election, you went to the Vatican for the inauguration of Pope Leo XIV. You had a private audience with the pontiff, and we understand environmental matters were discussed. The new Pope is well-known for his deep concerns about climate change. He even presented you with an artwork depicting the impact of climate change on the planet.
Yes, that’s true.
As a Catholic, you wouldn’t want to upset the Pope by approving the climate bomb that is the Woodside extension, would you? That would be hypocritical.
That’s a dirty trick. How dare you attempt a manipulative stunt like that. That’s palpable papal blackmail.
Thank you, Mr Albanese! You have just blown your cover. You really are a galah.
Damn! Better fly. Squawk!