SHOCK JOCK: Tony Abbott, great to have you on the show again, mate.
ABBOTT: Thanks mate, always a pleasure to
do interviews with intelligent, like-minded people of the right, like your good
SHOCK JOCK: I see you had a party room stoush with
Energy Minister Josh Frydenberg over the National Energy Guarantee.
ABBOTT: Josh is cranky because I am
leading an internal party revolt against his plan. My pro-coal Monash Forum is
a faction that opposes action on climate change and wants new coal power
stations. Craig Kelly and I have flagged we will cross the floor to oppose the
JOURNALIST: Ms Hanson, your old familiar smile has returned after your recent tearful meltdown on Sky News. You were upset, claiming your One Nation Senator Brian Burston had stabbed you “in the back” for supporting the Coalition Government’s company tax cut policy.
HANSON: Yes, I am ecstatic over that performance. It was cameo Hollywood material wasn’t it? Brian had betrayed me despite his claims to the contrary. He maintains I had been contrary on the issue. Contrariness is my prerogative.
JOURNALIST: You are ecstatic. Why?
HANSON: Since that appearance, my staff phones have been running hot in sympathy and support of me.
JOURNALIST: Mr Turnbull, you are now staring at 33 consecutive Coalition Newspoll losses in a row. This surpasses Abbott’s 30 losses you used as a benchmark trigger for your successful leadership coup in 2015, does it not?
TURNBULL: Yes that’s true, but I recently expressed regret for leveraging that number 30. I won the spill and got to be Prime Minister — that’s all I care about. If you in the media think the number 30 is to be my nemesis, you are sadly delusional. I, on the other hand, am happily delusional.
JOURNALIST: Oh my God!
TURNBULL: Indeed. God willing, the Coalition would win the next Newspoll if only the public would start listening to me. Maybe they get distracted by my charisma and tune out in stunned awe of me?
Australian Federal Police have raided the parliament house gift shop. The raid followed a call to 2UE’s whisper line by an anonymous tipster citing inside knowledge and details of a plan by a group of “face-covered Moslems” to disrupt parliament. The call was heard by Channel 9, whose film crew promptly notified the AFP, then made a beeline for Capital Hill. Sound familiar? Deja vu? Read about it!
Shop manager Flossie Fairweather politely informed the heavily armed anti-terrorist squad that she had sold out of the offending face coverings. “I sold the last 60 to that charming group of young people barely 30 minutes ago. They said they were Moslem but they did not look like terrorists to me. I think they were heading for the public gallery in that big green room.”
Every morning, Campbell Cane Toad awoke, headed for the bathroom and kissed himself in the mirror. He then transformed into a besuited political being with the title: Premier of Queensland.
All was going well for Campbell until the 2015 landslide election when he lost his own seat, and with it his magic spell. Alas he could be humanoid no more. He was doomed, through the sorcery of the insidious LNP Panel of Evil, to become a squelched toad, with insidious consequences for the whole state. Dubbed ‘Campbell the Martyr’ by the panel, he was destined for sacrificial notoriety. The Panel of Evil was out for revenge in the wake the LNP’s statewide drubbing.
And so, on election night, stunned Queenslanders witnessed a concession speech delivered by a dying toad.
We’re off we’re off the Wizard, The wonderless Wizard of Oz He’s turned us off, We’ve done a U turn, And this is what we say
We know he is a Fizz of a Wiz, If ever a Fizz there was If ever oh ever a Fizz there was, The Wizard of Oz is one because Because because because, Because he’s not who he said he was He promised no broken promises, But look at what we got He promised no nasty surprises, But look at what we got
He’s dead in the water and so he oughta, As far as we’re concerned Because because because, Because all decency he has spurned When he was in opposition, He stated his noble position When he became prime minister, He then became quite sinister
As a CSIRO marine scientist examined a tragic creature, a seven-armed octopus discovered in a load of baloney by an abalone diver just off Dunder Heads, he mused, “Could this be the discovery of a new species, a heptopus, or has this tragic met with foul play?”
Scientist: You appear to be an octopus short of an arm.
Creature: I will admit that I am akin to a sandwich short of a picnic, a can short of a slab and a village short of an idiot when I’m out of town. Yes, I accept that I am an opposition leader short of a policy platform. But, but, but I am not willing to accept that I am an octopus short of an arm.
Mothologists are aflutter with the discovery of a new phenomenon unheard of in the annals of mothology. After dusk every evening, humanoids from Sydney’s trendy inner suburbs metamorphose into moths and are drawn to the garden lamp of Malcolm Turnbull in the posh harbour-side locale of Point Piper, only to return before dawn to continue their existences as leftie hipsters.
“Malcolm is their Messiah, his lamp is their Mecca and every night they make their pilgrimage.” said a leading mothologost. “Moths being drawn to light sources is nothing new, but being drawn to an idolatory source of enlightenment is an exciting development in the evolutionary realms of mothdom.” he said. “But we are baffled. These are left-wing socialists who would normally spurn any association with Point Piper. We cannot understand how lefties are so besotted with this Liberal that they even take on a resemblance to him.”
Good evening and thanks for joining us. You look ridiculous. You need all the joining you can get. You at the ABC are falling apart. Funding cuts must be taking their toll if they employ cheap shots like you to throw cheap shots at people like me. You are making a mockery of your role as opposition leader. I did not come here to be insulted. Why? Where do you normally go? I have come here for a serious political interview, not a Marx Brothers routine. And by the way, I’ll do the gags. With due respect Mr Shorten, it was you who started this fiasco in Marxisms. Are you accusing me of being a Marxist? I think I am losing the will to live.
Hello my dear Liberal Party switchboard operator. Please put me through to NBN Co – that’s the National Broadband Network Company – if my carrier pigeon didn’t arrive there 30 minutes ago.
No need to get smart with me! I know broadband hasn’t been invented yet. I’m trying to get back to the future.
I hate being yesterday’s man. I’m a social progressive. I’m a republican. I believe in gay marriage. I’m social media savvy. And you should see the way I dress. But here I am stuck in the past, in this party that makes time go backwards – ever since I lost control, that is.
Immigration Minister Scott Morrison has hit back at UN criticism of Australia’s treatment of asylum seekers
Morrison hits back: Actual quote: “The most flagrant abuse of human rights I am aware of is the beheading and crucifying of people in Syria and Iraq, where Australia is seeking to relieve the humanitarian crisis.” Detainees: Possible response: Small consolation Mr Morrison. We would prefer to be beheaded and put out of our misery, rather than suffer this endless torture. Come on, be humane. Relieve our humanitarian crisis. Decapitate us! That’ll do your party the world of good in the polls. Those polls which are the reason we are here. Morrison: Actual quote on record: “My Christian faith remains the driving force for my family, beliefs and values.” Possible follow-on reply to detainees: I regret to inform you whingeing pack of heathens that my Christian faith prohibits me from having you decapitated. However, your invitation does have one particularly appealing feature. It would get the UN Committee on Torture off my back for causing you – “serious physical and mental suffering” – as they claim. I can’t be accused of torturing dead people, can I? I’ll have a chat with our party pollsters and see what they think. I’ll let you know how I get on. Regards, Scott.
ABC News: New UN Human Rights chief criticises Australia’s asylum seeker policy ….
Would Senator George Brandis dare dispute Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
Brandis: E = mc2 etc is just a maze of formulas that has nothing to do with reality. And if it has nothing to do with reality, it must be right … right?
Einstein: Wrong … “every action has an equal and opposite reaction”, so that’s my reaction to you.
Brandis: So you agree with me … every opinion has an equal and opposite right to be opposed … right?
Einstein: Wrong … opinions based on evidence outweigh medieval and ignorant opinions.
Brandis: You are medieval and ignorant … right?
Einstein: Wrong … I am an enlightened genius.
Brandis: Genius my arse, you authoritarian tyrant of political correctness. You scientists need to get a grip on unreality. Here’s my tip … get a haircut, get a real job and engage at an intellectual level.
23 April 2014
So, Senator George Brandis says people who believe the science is settled on climate change are “ignorant and medieval”.
And the reason: “the cultural tyranny of political correctness” which is apparently “sheer authoritarianism”. Climate change deniers are victims it seems, denied the opportunity of intellectual engagement.
And Penny Wong is apparently the “high priestess of political correctness” for daring to say that the science is settled on climate change, according to Mr Brandis.
Now there’s a turn up! Accusing a lesbian Opposition Senator of Asian descent in a same-sex partnership with an adopted daughter, guilty of political correctness when xenophobia, misogyny and homophobia are cumulative synonyms for Brandis’ own party.
George has now taken the convolution of political correctness versus incorrectness to previously unimagined farce.
Trouble is – apart from him being our Federal Attorney-General with the responsibility that goes with the job – he lives in a dream world where reality is just an inconvenient distraction.
After all, who needs the overwhelmimg majority of scientists who say our planet is perilously threatened, when Andrew Bolt says they are wrong.
Andrew has the right to freedom of speech – hence softening Section 18C of the Racial Discrimination Act – and freedom of speech is more important than anything but anything – even the planet itself.
So, according to the logic of George, if there is freedom of speech, there will be no climate change. Simple!
So a big thanks to Senator George Brandis for changing Section 18C. That masterstroke will save the planet.
In no time, the ice caps will re-form, extinct species will reappear and sea levels will fall – not that they ever rose – and climate change will be exposed as leftist conspiracy to subvert the right to free speech.
What a relief! All that fuss about nothing. Ah, it’s so nice to be relaxed and comfortable in a medieval and ignorant Australia!