Tag: Bruce Keogh

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BILL THE CONSENSUS CEPHALOPOD: “I AM NOT AN OCTOPUS SHORT OF AN ARM”

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As a CSIRO marine scientist examined a tragic creature, a seven-armed octopus discovered in a load of baloney by an abalone diver just off Dunder Heads, he mused, “Could this be the discovery of a new species, a heptopus, or has this tragic met with foul play?”

Scientist: You appear to be an octopus short of an arm.

Creature: I will admit that I am akin to a sandwich short of a picnic, a can short of a slab and a village short of an idiot when I’m out of town. Yes, I accept that I am an opposition leader short of a policy platform. But, but, but I am not willing to accept that I am an octopus short of an arm.

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MALCOLM THEIR MESSIAH – HIS LAMP THEIR MECCA – EN MASSE THEY TAKE FLIGHT

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Mothologists are aflutter with the discovery of a new phenomenon unheard of in the annals of mothology. After dusk every evening, humanoids from Sydney’s trendy inner suburbs metamorphose into moths and are drawn to the garden lamp of Malcolm Turnbull in the posh harbour-side locale of Point Piper, only to return before dawn to continue their existences as leftie hipsters.

“Malcolm is their Messiah, his lamp is their Mecca and every night they make their pilgrimage.” said a leading mothologost. “Moths being drawn to light sources is nothing new, but being drawn to an idolatory source of enlightenment is an exciting development in the evolutionary realms of mothdom.” he said. “But we are baffled. These are left-wing socialists who would normally spurn any association with Point Piper. We cannot understand how lefties are so besotted with this Liberal that they even take on a resemblance to him.”

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‘I’LL DO THE GAGS’ SHORTEN: ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF BEING A MARXIST?

Good evening and thanks for joining us. You look ridiculous.
You need all the joining you can get. You at the ABC are falling apart. Funding cuts must be taking their toll if they employ cheap shots like you to throw cheap shots at people like me.
You are making a mockery of your role as opposition leader.
I did not come here to be insulted.
Why? Where do you normally go?
I have come here for a serious political interview, not a Marx Brothers routine. And by the way, I’ll do the gags.
With due respect Mr Shorten, it was you who started this fiasco in Marxisms.
Are you accusing me of being a Marxist?
I think I am losing the will to live.

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MALCOLM TURNBULL – BACK TO THE FUTURE

Hello my dear Liberal Party switchboard operator. Please put me through to NBN Co – that’s the National Broadband Network Company – if my carrier pigeon didn’t arrive there 30 minutes ago.

No need to get smart with me! I know broadband hasn’t been invented yet. I’m trying to get back to the future.

I hate being yesterday’s man. I’m a social progressive. I’m a republican. I believe in gay marriage. I’m social media savvy. And you should see the way I dress. But here I am stuck in the past, in this party that makes time go backwards – ever since I lost control, that is.

Did you say, “Lost control of your senses”?

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Tanya Plibersek speaks up about gender inequality

Tanya Plibersek will not be silenced on the issue of gender inequality

“Gender inequality has been a driver of the women’s movement for many years; and economic inequality is inextricable linked with gender inequality. The equity principle at the heart of the women’s movement has a particular relevance today, in a world characterised by rising economic inequality.”
This is an extract of a speech made by Tanya Plibersek MP, Deputy Leader of the Opposition, Shadow Minister for Foreign Affairs and International Development, and Member for Sydney at the National Labor Women’s Conference on 2 August 2014.

Introducing Rodney Redneck next page …

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Scott Morrison hits back at UN criticism on refugees

Immigration Minister Scott Morrison has hit back at UN criticism of Australia’s treatment of asylum seekers

Morrison hits back:
Actual quote: “The most flagrant abuse of human rights I am aware of is the beheading and crucifying of people in Syria and Iraq, where Australia is seeking to relieve the humanitarian crisis.”
Detainees:
Possible response: Small consolation Mr Morrison. We would prefer to be beheaded and put out of our misery, rather than suffer this endless torture. Come on, be humane. Relieve our humanitarian crisis. Decapitate us! That’ll do your party the world of good in the polls. Those polls which are the reason we are here.
Morrison:
Actual quote on record: “My Christian faith remains the driving force for my family, beliefs and values.” 
Possible follow-on reply to detainees: I regret to inform you whingeing pack of heathens that my Christian faith prohibits me from having you decapitated. However, your invitation does have one particularly appealing feature. It would get the UN Committee on Torture off my back for causing you – “serious physical and mental suffering” – as they claim. I can’t be accused of torturing dead people, can I? I’ll have a chat with our party pollsters and see what they think. I’ll let you know how I get on. Regards, Scott.

ABC News: New UN Human Rights chief criticises Australia’s asylum seeker policy ….

See ABC column

SBS News: Morrison hits back at UN criticism of Australia’s treatment of asylum seekers

See SBS column

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Christine Milne – it’s not easy being Greens Leader

For Christine, it’s tears of blood over logging, but John Williamson’s hit song has helped the cause:

Over the hill they go, killing another mountain
Gotta fill the quota – can’t go slow
Huge machinery wiping out the scenery
One big swipe like a shearer’s blow
Rip rip woodchip – turn it into paper
Throw it in the bin, no news today
Stirs my blood – gonna make a stand
~ Lyrics in part from the hit ‘Rip Rip Woodchip’
Full lyrics

The official video on YouTube

Media release authorised by Christine Milne (27  October 2010):
BOB BROWN TO INDUCT JOHN WILLIAMSON INTO A.R.I.A. HALL OF FAME
Release in full

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Joe’s unpalatable budget cuts for quick sale – wicked!

Budget butcher Joe Hockey tries to make his wicked cuts look palatable – nice try Joe!

Link to related column published in The Sydney Morning Herald on 11 August 2014:

CUT YOUR LOSSES ON BUDGET, PETER COSTELLO URGES JOE HOCKEY

Joe Hockey has been urged to reboot his budget and scrap the unpopular $7 GP co-payment, with former Liberal treasurer Peter Costello saying governments have to cut their losses.
The Treasurer is struggling to convince crossbenchers to back his budget, with key measures such as the Medicare co-payment and welfare changes facing defeat.

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Bad news for babes in the Tasmanian wilderness

The Adventures of Snugglepot and Cuddlepie starring Greens Leader Christine Milne

Link to related column by Bob Brown published in The Guardian on 6 March 2014 in which the former Greens leader cites Tony Abbott referring to the Greens as “the devil”.

TASMANIA: A DEATH WARRANT AGAINST PRISTINE FORESTS ABBOTT HAS NEVER SEEN

Although 1% of Tasmanian jobs are in logging forests and 15% in tourism, the Liberals are pushing for a move infused with a destructive materialist ideology which will decimate the region.

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Hanson-Young – tears and fears for refugees

Greens Senator Sarah Hanson-Young is well known for her compassion towards refugees

Link to related column published in The Age 19 December 2014

AGONY OF CHILDREN TREATED WORSE THAN ANIMALS

Genuine refugees suffer on Nauru as the government works to break their spirits.

Backtrack to June 2012 ~ ABC News video of an emotional Hanson-Young wiping away tears in the Senate as she recounts the story of a young asylum seeker.